Something I Realised Lately

4 months of lazing around.. sitting on my ass and wasting my time.. and it had to happen sometime.. i do have my introspections these days.. and here are a few things that i realised before today.

i have been starving for attention for far too long. enough is enough.
thanks to a dude who mentioned it to me. but a bit more bluntly. called me a pain in the ass.

i have become too self centered. it helps me sometimes.
No comments. but my mom reminds me everyday...

i broke a promise. didnt give space to someone i promised that i wud.
weird enough, i realise it only now. after its too late. sorry for that.

i still am what i am. a strong minded freak.
confrontation still brings out the best and worst of me. Confrontation ONLY.

and now coming to the part about what i realised today.
was having a conversation (yeah people, a CHATTING conversation!!) with a friend of mine..
and she was talking about how everything in her life ends up in her not knowing her potential. chances that were never taken, rather taken away from her.

being the self centered fool that i am, i started thinking about myself :D. yes, my life. how messed up it was. and the reasons that i was giving for it. i tell myself that there havent been enough chances to prove myself. and for the ones that i mess up, i have argued bad fate or more recently (After a few earlier introspections ) my over confidence. I have been bitching too much about my fkd up life.

I havent taken any chances , I havent done anything but bitch about my failures.

I tell my parents that i dont wanna attend interviews because it might change my mind about doing MS. but it has another side, partly am afraid that i might fail again.
I never studied too much , ever. when i scored well it was my "talent", when i didnt it was my bad luck.( suggested my ego ).
I still talk about how i fkd up IIT
I still talk about how i cant get over someone
I still talk about how i cud have been better.

but the fact remains , once the chain of actions started way back when i was an over confident idiot, it was downhill. downhill upto this point i realise that bickering isnt good. in the process i was depressed , pessimistic , ignorant , self obssessed and many things more.
Now that i have realised that, may be i can move on. that is how things work out for me. so here it is.
finally i accept what i have done. i accept what i am.

Me, My name & My Identity..

Who are you ?

when someone comes up to you and asks that question, most people answer by giving their name.

some weirdos may answer by giving their caste/religion/nationality/an astrological sign/ones sexual oreintation or whatever identity they feel safe or most describes them. but are we solely what we reply to that question ?

am i just my name, pavan , which means breeze , free flowing , one that can not be tied down ? it sure does look romantic to think that i am what my name suggests i am. But i prefer to be what i choose to be. i prefer to be more than a free flowing soul, i wish to stubborn as a rock sometimes, fierce as the fire may be and a lot of other stuff too..

why all this philosophy ?? :P

well , I had a really really long conversation with my friend , aarti.

if any one wants to read it, and has 15 minutes to spare, i recommend that you read it.
follow the link here

first it started as a discussion pondering about why I am not what I was a few months ago. She talks sense into me many times. And thats what she did this time too.. well not everything though..

I agree with all of what she says, except for the part when she says that i am becoming my name , goda.

Its true that I was a better person back then.
Its also true that i fill myself with negative feelings these days.
Its also true that I have become limited.
Its also true that many of my abilities lay latent right now.
I agree with all that, some of which I knew, some of which I needed help with.

But , like i said , I didnt agree with the issue, that letting myself be called.. Goda .. I was supposed to be limiting my abilities. I had a good debate with her regarding that issue..

for the argument i put forth, read the whole conversation. Here is the same link..

Anyways all i want to say here is ,
despite what i am called, despite what people think of me, I am myself. I am what I think i am (as long as i think sanely).

The matter of fact that the rest of the world thinks otherwise should not change who you are. not just by your name or by something you have done. the arguement that you become what people around you keep calling you is just damn insane. it is the thinking of a pessimist. once the idea creeps into your mind , you are giving an invitation to all the people around to judge who you are. you may argue that you will not give them the chance. you are wrong, you are not omnipresent, you are not perfect. you end up doing mistakes, people start judging you whether you like it or not. you WILL be called as many names as there are. you may aruge with them until they give up calling you by names other than your own. In the process waste your precious time , waste your energy, waste the better part of your abilities fighting something that shouldnt bother you.

You can simply move on with your life. You can be oblivious to the fact what the world thinks or calls you. you can be yourself, no matter what you are labelled, packaged, publicised as. I am like that. atleast as of now. I dont care what people think of me when they calle me goda or fat ass or something else. I dont care if they really think i am too limited, or am too fat to sit in a fucking theater seat. I know what i am, i know what i am capable of. Lesser minded people thinking otherwise of me, doesnt bother me. It doesnt make me insecure, it sure as hell doesnt affect me.

To aarti , if you are seeing this..
I have changed because of many reasons. I have changed because being a better person didnt justify for what i had to go through. It is temporary, I will be back.
And this post is just something that came out instinctively. I dont mean to disrespect you in anyway.. you are one of the wisest people i know :) but i hope u understand that i need not , necessarily , agree with you.. i have my beliefs, and you have yours :)..

In case if anyone still has any doubts.. as to why i am writing this post when i say that i am not insecure ? well i love making my point publicly. I dont care if one likes/ agrees with me or not.. but here I go,

MY NAME(S?) ARE JUST WORDS. I LOVE MY NAME. I ALSO LOVE BEING CALLED BY MY NICKNAMES. BUT NONE OF THEM ARE MY IDENTITY,AND SURE AS HELL ARE NOT ME!!