Another Brick In The Wall

25 :-)

2010-04-11T14:22:00.000-07:00

Been long time since I have written anything here. 10 months and 26 days (nearly). I am here again, talking about myself on a hot saturday afternoon, to try and spew out the memoirs of the year gone by.

In the last post I had written that it was "Time to lose the dreams and now live them". Was not easy. Was not quick. Not yet complete. Perhaps it is an indication of some sort that I am only writing here now, after things have settled down a bit..

As far as cliched phrases go, 'you only get to know your true friends when you are down', well.. I can say I truly have some good friends..

A new job, a new city to live in, a busy life.. almost everything I asked for :-)
Have to learn to balance it out..

Considering that this is locked, I will say this. The distance is a pain. We stuck through this, and any arguments we have had.. Well I tend to forget easily ;)
What I do remember are the sweet memories of an adorable caring woman who is a major part of my life :*

Until next time,
Adios

24

2009-05-15T15:52:00.000-07:00

I really need to put something here, for me, myself ;), and more!

It has been taking a long time since I started this out, tried everything from being the soberly sane person, to the 'high'er thinking fields. None of them has worked, so I am here to try and slog it out, probably with limited skill..

side note on being drunk, you tend to fall asleep when you least expect it.

Why am I writing about being 24, after a good 3 and half months ?
I am not sure. But I really want to put what I am feeling in words,
the changes that came onto me and the qualities that make me.

It is different, being 24. It all seems like a sudden push into the mainstream. The past couple of years have been pushing me away from a self obsessed idealistic dreamer. I have been pushed, and some times yanked with al the might of those around me to where I should have been long ago..

For the better it has changed me.
From the one who kept dreaming of bigger things to come, not planning to handle it when they do arrive, to the one with moderately successful at handling unexpected nightmares.

From the one who followed my rules of procrastination "it will be done, when it has to be done." to one who thinks "it has to be done."

From the one who always thought there is still time,
to the one who believes it is the time..
Time to think and be responsible, time to plan and execute.
Time to lose the fickleness of the past and steady the path.
Time to lose the dreams and now live them :-).

About the future I am unaware and unsure,
But there is this new drive in me now, to move on and do better things.. :)

a year on..

2009-04-28T00:42:00.000-07:00

It has been a year since this post. Some things have changed since then and somethings haven't

1) The pic that defines me shall be this for now..

Smart, intelligent, kiddish, sneaky and patient among other things ;)
A collection of all the ridiculously funny characters :D

Those who do not agree, please do not :-)

2) The fool mentioned in that post now wants to be referred to as my great friend*, which I would have done anyway if he wasn't a pompous ass like myself ;)

* Actual conversation :
(03:41:26 AM) Romio: write abt ur great friend priya kanth :P
(03:41:34 AM) Pavan: ofcourse

3) Hyderabad has won 4 out of 4 games in the second edition of the IPL, and guess what ?. The patriotic fervor is back, no more magnanimous look at the game, but a ruthless support for my beloved home city :-).

How opinions are a factor of emotion..

4) I have not blogged at one line as much as I promised, have been far too busy, far too careless. I do not know what the future holds, so no more promises on that front.

5) I still love my friends and more :)

so hope that is a start :)

and Oh, I turned 24 :), 2 and half months ago!

2008-2009

2008-12-31T22:33:00.001-08:00

So here I am. Drunk. trying to post about what has been of my year. One which had to deal with both pain and bliss. One which might haunt the memories than I'd like, also a few that would put a smile on the face every time I remember this period. This year has been the most influential, one that made me realize my abilities and my limitations, One to talk about life as a story with its twists and turns.

Then I slept!
And here I am again, relatively clean and sober, trying to recollect. But a brain that is high, always looks down upon the sober one, for it is more creative and expressive. So, here I am to finish what I began, more than 2 weeks ago.

The year began with an uncontrollable, perhaps incomprehensible, speed. 2 weeks of my vacation in India, over before I knew it,3 months in a semester barely got my feel into. In possession of a confused mind that could neither stay away from the pain nor bear it, I immersed in work. But not enough to keep me distracted. Perhaps, the sub conscious was telling me it was getting worse, or may be it was home sickness that I thought I never felt. I did not want to be here.

And then it happened, a call had been made and I knew what mom meant, even when she did not say the actual words. I slept, weeping, hoping that I would wake up and this would end, perhaps like the dozen times he had been critically ill so far. And the call came, this time it was clear. I was going home. And for the first time, I wept, not alone, not with family; and the last time, for the month to come..

Coming back to the US, I had a feeling that I was dealing with this really well. Sometimes, open and clear minded as I am, I make mistakes too. After begining to write this blog I realize, I had gone through something on the lines of the 5 stages of loss theory

A stage of denial, preceded the uncontrolled anger towards those that were the closest. A realization of what was happening didnt help, and I withdrew to myself and perhaps a couple of friends who did not remind me of anything else. Withdrawn and isolated, the memories did not stop, and pushed me towards depression.

Clinically depressed (presumably), for the first time in my life, I had found my solace. Loved ones, pushed or not, do not care :-) And I had found my bunch, all around me. So, I meandered through this phase and here I am, complete, with acceptance.

From the hazy beginning, to the turbulent majority and a blissfully content end, this year has put me through a lot. If not for the glee of being loved, day in and day out, by my room mates, my family, my friends, and some more.., It would have been a year of pain, not worth going through again.

For what it has taught me, for what it has brought me, I shall toast this year.

To 2008, A great leveler.

Nothing else matters

2008-12-06T01:50:00.000-08:00

So close no matter how far
Couldnt be much more from the heart
Forever trusting who we are
And nothing else matters

Never opened myself this way
Life is ours, we live it our way
All these words I dont just say
And nothing else matters

Trust I seek and I find in you
Every day for us something new
Open mind for a different view
And nothing else matters

Never cared for what they do
Never cared for what they know
But I know

So close no matter how far
Couldnt be much more from the heart
Forever trusting who we are
And nothing else matters

Never cared for what they do
Never cared for what they know
But I know....

Never opened myself this way
Life is ours, we live it our way
All these words I dont just say
And nothing else matters

-------------------------------------

a really good song, embedded with many things happy in my life right now :).

In a way, am in a phase with no regrets.
No expectations, no dreams.
No worries about life,
no plans for the future, bar one..
Just my personal bliss..

A personal high, both sustained and growing :-)
Now truly, nothing else matters!

A Day Off..

2008-11-01T22:27:00.000-07:00

Listening to the water flow, beside an empty road..
Watching the sun set, on the summit of clingmans dome ..

Remembering.. Without a hint of sadness..

A day off..
Finally :-)

Bringing me down

2008-10-26T23:34:00.000-07:00

I Cant sleep..
I see the reasons..
I dream of mistakes..
I think too much..

There are plans.. for tomorrow..
and the days keep burning..

Time running out..
Change in near future..
Bigger than ever before..

The need to be an adult..

And this is the most childish I have ever felt..

I am afraid..

Fears breaching my headstrong brain..
I do not like it..

I have been burnt down..
Not like anything before..

Little things really do add up..
To disastrous proportions..

Need time to recoup..
Need some isolation..

Wonder how isolation was so easy..
In the comfort of a home..
And a support structure..

hmm..

Kryptonite

2008-08-24T01:06:00.000-07:00

I took a walk around the world to
Ease my troubled mind
I left my body laying somewhere
In the sands of time
I watched the world float to the dark
Side of the moon
I feel there is nothing I can do, yeah

I watched the world float to the
Dark side of the moon
After all I knew it had to be something
To do with you
I really don't mind what happens now and then
As long as you'll be my friend at the end

If I go crazy then will you still
Call me Superman
If I'm alive and well, will you be
There holding my hand
I'll keep you by my side with
My superhuman might
Kryptonite

You called me strong, you called me weak
But your secrets I will keep
You took for granted all the times I
Never let you down
You stumbled in and bumped your head, if
Not for me then you would be dead
I picked you up and put you back
On solid ground

If I go crazy then will you still
Call me Superman
If I'm alive and well will you be
There holding my hand
I'll keep you by my side with my
Superhuman might
Kryptonite

---
3 doors down.

I feel more attracted to this song now than ever :)

Why am I angry ?

2008-08-13T21:01:00.000-07:00

A little afterthought today about the short temper I have had lately.

I have been way too impatient with people I usually care about. Suddenly everyone seems so hostile. May be everyone around me has turned that way, or may be I have lost some of me (I did ..). Since the second option looks more likely, I've been trying to fix me. It has not happened yet. I am not sure if it ever will. I was also very close to losing my mind a couple of times. The harder I try, The more the environment around seems to be tailor made set for a big prank. A prank involving my pain as other people's entertainment.

I hate pranks.

(I know I am being unreasonable here. But you have to let your brain speak. If not, weirder, harmful things might happen)

Note : This post might sound to some like a prelude to me going psychotic. I assure you I am stronger than that :-).

I am losing my mind to find the time that I don't have.

Bitter-Sweet Symphony

2008-07-08T14:58:00.000-07:00

On a rainy tuesday afternoon, after 4 months, I have to get it out. I have to.
So now I start, listening to bitter sweet symphony, suddenly inspired to let it all out.

Whenever I think of him, I always remember the last pic I ever snapped of him;

Smiling, even with all that pain he was going through.

Reminds me of all the other times he was smiling.
All the way through my success and my brother's..
Smaller incidents, which seemed insignificant then..
And every time he told us one of his old jokes..
Almost always, in the company of a kid..
And every time he recalled my childhood memories..
These, upon retrospection, seem to be the significant part of his memories.

But these are something that I did not appreciate / recognize until he was gone.
Because with him around, it was easier to hate him.

Hate him for putting work ahead of family (on most occasions, I did too)
Hate him for his dismally bad money management (which I am acquiring slowly)
Hate him for being a total control freak (which I tend to be)
Hate him for his secrets (Share I do, but secrets still I have).
Hate him also for being stubborn (being stubborn myself)
Hate him for what he is not rather than to look past them.
(When I have clearly and conveniently looked past mine)

He was a dreamer in a very real world. I secretly admired him for that.
But I hated him for the toll it was taking on him, us, everyone around him.
Double standards underlined most of our adult relationship,
with him replicating the same feelings towards everything wrong in me.

But this was us, over 22 years ago.

This was back in the days when my mom was the evil one.
Back when he used to cry every time I got spanked.
Back when he (as a part of the duo, I call my parents) laid foundations for the single most influential philosophy that runs my life right now.
It was also some years after this pic was taken, I was told that school is not the end of the world.
I was also told I could attain anything that I set my focus on. Positive Re-enforcement..

I can not think straight now.All these memories, I remember a tired man stretching himself beyond fatigue point to match his dreams, ours and everybody elses. I do not remember anything but a caring father who did not get anything in return.

Perhaps a small consolation that his kids are doing what they love the most. May be not enough to hold on to. Perhaps a few kind words would have helped, just to let him know how much he really meant to me. Words that never came out.

I love him for one of the most important lessons of my life : his life.

And this is all that I will remember of him, for the rest of my life. memories sans hate. Just admiring.. loving the person he was.I will also remember his passing away to be one of the most emotional parts of my life. It is amazing what such a phase can do to you..

I dream of him everyday these days.
Perhaps some part of me does not want him gone.
Perhaps all of me, does not want him gone..

I will miss him, for there was so much more unexplored..
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
This song will forever remind me of him and vice versa.
This is how my brain works anyways..

BitterSweet Symphony - The Verve

Cause it's a bittersweet symphony, this life
Trying to make ends meet
You're a slave to money then you die
I'll take you down the only road I've ever been down
You know the one that takes you to the places
where all the veins meet yeah

No change, I can't change
I can't change, I can't change
But I'm here in my mind
I am here in my mind
But I'm a million different people
from one day to the next
I can't change my mind
No, no, no, no, no, no, no,no,no,no,no,no(fading away)

I Wish..

2008-05-29T16:14:00.000-07:00

to live each day doing what I love not caring what everyone else around me is saying, dreaming big and flying high, making up stuff on the go, living every moment for it knowing that it was not planned.

I want to live my life. Not any life.

Yesterday was a weak moment when I had to show people that every one is the same to a degree. But what makes up any body's life is what you do in between those milestones. What you do that makes you happy about yourself.

It is about the memories that will make you smile, not about those that others might remember you by. And I have those with me, and am pretty sure that I will have more. I just dont make a plan for that kind of stuff.

p.s. If anyone calls me regular again, I'll lecture you about my life unto the point that you cant take anymore and know about every single detail about my life. Unless you are willing to do that, please do not call me that. EVER AGAIN.

Wishing, Dreaming..

2008-05-28T22:26:00.000-07:00

I was talking to a dear friend of mine, and she kept going on about something called the wishlist theory, where if you make a list and let it openly into the universe, it conspires for you and makes them true.

I dont believe that for a minute. But still, here I am making my own list. Why? you ask! Because I can, Because i want to, Because it would make an interesting read couple of years down the line, Because I dont have anything better to do on a late summer night, Because this I have no clue what is going into this except for a couple of obvious ones, and finally because I just want to look at how good I am at achieving my goals.

So here it goes..

Girl : Who is she ? I dont know. But I am in constant pursuit of figuring this one out. Some people I call friends think I am beginning to get desperate and may ending up wanting any girl. So to prove them wrong, and infinitely more importantly, to prove myself right, I want the girl, who likes me for me and wishes to be with me, to be a good friend first. And hopefully, me being the same for her too..

Research : Finish my Ph.d., get myself published multiple times and in the process earn myself a patent or more before I turn 30. This is not just about the money (yes the money :P), it is also for the gloating rights I would get :D, about the self satisfaction I would get that somehow finally I have utilized my capabilities up to their limits. An intellectual orgasm (or two) if you are willing to call it..

Book : This one is for the moderately distant future. I fancy myself to possess some fine writing abilities. And even if I dont who cares ? I just need to keep the reader interested to read a few hundred pages of what I think is really cool. And that I think should be achieved before i hit 40.

Hobby : I love understanding new languages. As of now I can understand 3 (English, Telugu and Hindi) and but can speak only 2 (NOT fluent in Hindi) languages fluently.I hope to learn at least a dozen more. And by keeping it realistic, I would love to learn 2 more before I get seriously old. Preferably German and Tamil by 30.

Interest : Make a few short movies, with friends who share a similar interest. This is getting nowhere with the laziness that I possess. Would be rather pleased to make this a reality and also create a website dedicated to this pursuit of mine. Damn!! I NEED to move my ass around. Target : 25!

Finance : Clear my loans and bills and be debt free in less than 4 years. And then to own a house or two (in Hyderabad ofcourse :D) in a little larger time frame.

Learn : How, to make rudimentary animations and probably use them in a way to express myself like I always wanted to; to improve upon my photography skills which at best are best described as atrocious :P; to play any musical instrument, preferably a piano / keyboard; to be a better cook;

Study : Mathematics and Physics professionally. Probably get a degree in these fields around the same time as my (yet unborn and imaginary) children :P. Maybe even get myself published in these fields too ;-)

India : This is something that I definitely want to do. Go back home and start something small yet so spectacular that it is going to be so fucking big. Don't ask me what it is going to be, I don't know, I haven't thought about it yet. But I know I will do this before I hit middle age crisis!!. May be it even includes a stint into politics :P. who knows people!! keep guessing..

Social Service : My mom is the one with the soft heart, I'd want to help her out with everything that is possible and more to do what she thinks is right, may be even start something in his name. :-)

Live : In California, New York, Bombay (Mumbai), Germany, Sydney for at least a couple of months before I go home to settle in Hyderabad ;-)

and finally the..

Dream : "Work in the California in the mornings, live in Hyderabad in the evenings, traveling every weekend around the world, even tripping into outer space once in the blue moon." This is something that not only me, but a dear friend and many others want. But let me just wish it is a bit more than just wishful thinking :P.

Hoping for regular updates on my behalf..
signing off now..
--
pavan
29th may 2008, 2:40 am.

Two Sides

2008-05-24T10:17:00.000-07:00

behahahahahaha >:)

An example where the same shit can be explained in two different context means completely opposite crap :D

p.s. sorry about the repetitiveness.

Multi Purpose.

2008-05-02T06:41:00.000-07:00

Multiple reasons that I am writing this before I leave India in just a few hours.

Purpose # 1
First, the tag. A good friend tagged me. So here is the first part.

Shows up my attitude towards astrology. Interesting and can laugh about myself.
And the above pic describes most of the negative aspects in me. And all the positive ones :D

note : if you are reading this, consider yourself tagged. And post a pic that best describes you or a part of you.

well, considering that a fool just kicked my laptop, I will continue this later x-(
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Edit : In U.S.A.

Purpose # 2

To say, from the moment Hyderabad lost to Punjab in the I.P.L., I have asked myself to be less patriotic to my home teams and appreciate the players. And let us see how that pans out.

Purpose # 3

With the exception of the last month or month and a half, Most of my days from now on will be documented, at least by a line here.

Purpose # 4

I now realize how fickle I can be..
Well at least in one area where brains and hearts collide.

Purpose # 5

I have never loved, people close to me, than I do now.
If you think otherwise, well.. I never disguised it better either ;-)

--------------------------------------------------------------------

That's all folks.

Will be back soon.

A Passage.

2008-04-07T16:59:00.000-07:00

A life that has brought mine into this world and supported it for over 20 years lies in a critical imbalance, supported only through a forced breathing apparatus. That was how I last saw him alive (barely, brain dead and in irrevocable coma).

Weeping out all tears in the foreign land; I arrived in my own, stone hearted, Fully aware of what was awaiting me. Coldest day of my life. I had to end the life that brought me here. A signature was all it took. Any regrets, forced to surface on another day, suppressed.

A life lived by the instinct, gone.

I wish I did not see him dead.
Much less, to cremate him and spread the ashes.

Death, you ugly monster.
Its your face I see, when I try to remember his.

--------------------------------------------------------------

I loved my father,
this cold tone is due to my presence inside my safety vault.
will write more once I can come out.

Made my day

2008-03-05T17:39:00.000-08:00

"kastam ra.."

Guess Who~

2008-02-16T00:30:00.000-08:00

No time left for you
On my way to better things
No time left for you
I found myself some wings
No time left for you
Distant roads are callin' me
No time left for you ..

No time for a summer friend
No time for the love you send
Seasons change and so did I
You need not wonder why
You need not wonder why
There's no time left for you
No time left for you

No time left for you
On my way to better things
No time left for you
I found myself some wings
No time left for you
Distant roads are callin' me
No time left for you..

No time for a gentle rain
No time for my watch and chain
No time for revolving doors
No time for the killin' floor
No time for the killin' floor
There's no time left for you
No time left for you

No time for a summer friend
No time for the love you send
Seasons change and so did I
You need not wonder why
You need not wonder why
There's no time left for you
No time left for you

-- No Time, Guess Who.

--------------------------------------

Almost sickening to say how much I can identify with this song. Sadly, this has become my life. (for the better or the worse, for my friends..). Am glad that most of them understand..

p.s. good song, do listen.
p.s. Note:- Change is not a bad thing, it is just hard to comprehend.

Closure

2008-02-02T14:43:00.000-08:00

Its hard when people start putting ideas into your head.
Especially when you consider them not to be so arrogant,
not so naive, and may be even intelligent.
And yes, even for a headstrong guy like me,
doubting myself is not something that can be avoided..
and so there it was.. the question..
is it the people that I care about,
or is it the feelings that I have for / relationship that I share with them ?

after battling through a few rough days through it,
the answer and hence some closure was not far away.

Just realized today, what I cared about :-).

p.s. : am a people's person :P. and I can change easily.
Interested readers, keep guessing ;)

2007-2008

2008-01-01T03:38:00.000-08:00

after consciously waiting till this point, to write about the past year, two weeks into the new one. here it is.

Strange that a recurring theme in my life should manifest in a different form in a different place. Strange that I should know. Strange that I should call it so.

But, spending the last month back home, I may be too erratic in the mind to say anything meaningful about the year. No this does not mean I have had a bad time here. Just means that sometimes, the second time is harder than the first. And in my case, it is my journey to the foreign land. hmm..

The theme..
The enthusiasm I show for the expected, the indifference I show toward the unknown and the unexpected. And the expectations of the known. And how my life revolves between them.

Coming to town (albeit in a new country), with no expectations of the unknown land, I pretty much excelled in what people called settling down. Seeing others trying so hard to fit in, and then getting astonished at the differences almost amused me. Life went on, spending most of the time in blissful indifference.

And then, to come back home.for a month. with expectations, perhaps dreams of little things to achieve. perhaps hope about change in a few people. sweetly demolished by reality. And yet I will miss this land, these people; that I call home, family and friends.

and now I await, with some experience in the not so unfamiliar land, with some expectations. hoping, not to go in a full circle and stand disappointed, twice in as many attempts.

New friends..
Probably the first time in a long while, that I actually made more friends offline than online. the same could be said about the male and female persons I called friends during this period. Clemson, although a lazily small town with mythical characters of american folklore running around, is also home, for couple of years, to an amazing collection of 'desi' population.

May not be what you call truly amazing characters, but the crowd definitely had em all. But realized something amazing, may be big or small, in all of them. May be that is what, living in close quarters with people can do to you. you tend to know them, in and out..

hmm..

Living day in and day out with a few crazy idiots can get to you. But in a while, you tend to have a love-hate relationship with them. And thats how my second family was born; from the shredded pieces of presumably more than decent originals. Like family, there was fun, there was war. There were the days that I prepared my very own disaster special every Monday night :P.

:-) you live your life within your prejudices. But given the time and chance, I realize that there is a slight hope in all of us..

The distance..
Ever wonder how your relationship with family becomes inversely proportional to the distance apart that you live ?. Well try it. It can only get better from there. This part though predicted came as a pleasant surprise of sorts. feel good points I suppose. someone misses you.

What I didnt realize was the effect that it can have on friendships. It pretty much did the same with my really close friends. But some did choose to stay away, or may be it was me. I regret that part now, Not knowing how the quid pro quo can be attained. again..

the distance, have to be careful about that..

And so..
The indifference to the novelty in life, probably what I learnt from a year before, blew enough wind, for me to sail through the winds of change, for the better part of the year. The exhaustion of work (which is something new to me) has taken care of the rest.

Beginning with the really modest new year celebration, till this very moment, this year has been one of experience, it has also been one of novelty not felt and exhaustion, satiated. Not eventful as the previous years, it has been a memorable one. Thank you old friend, for everything.

P.s. Happy new year everyone. Avoided a few parts on purpose. May be a few additions/appendages later!.

16th December : ends and begins

2007-12-16T23:57:00.000-08:00

16th December 1971
end of a bloody war between India and Pakistan.
Bangladesh was born..

36 years down the line

16th December 2007
a friend, a guy
readily there, 24x7
another, a girl
true and caring
both gone forever,
with these few little words

Him: From the bottom of my heart I love you.
Her: Thank you

and a couple was born :-)
now.. twice as fun to be around , to pester :P

p.s. like i said, its fun to see idiots in love ;) especially when they are two of ur closest friends :D

A Phone, A Microwave and An Idiot.

2007-11-06T20:17:00.000-08:00

No anger
No regrets
Only hurt
An idiot - my roomie
A phone - my phone
A Microwave - the one in our kitchen

yes, my phone got microwaved, thanks to my room mate.

Usually, I would have been mad, But I am not.
May be because I truly believe that he did not know that it would fry the circuits.
May be I have grown old.

I just miss my phone.

Happy Days ?

2007-10-06T22:19:00.000-07:00

doubts...
its not a single day.
culmination of everything thats wrong in your life.
and a movie to make it worse.
doubts..

just one sign would do.
to know,
if what i am is worth what i have and have not been through.
hmm..

p.s. should this post even exist ?
its not the movie, its the non existent memories.

Los (less)

2007-09-04T00:07:00.001-07:00

Shamelessly ripping off Rammstein's song LOS!
These guys make me love German more and more. And their word play, simply excellent.
Anyways, I am ripping them off, this is their song, their lyrics translated into English with a few cuts. Yes it is a song :).

We were nameless
and without songs
We were never again
really wordless
Still we are
a little song-less
Yet we're not toneless
You can hear us

After a gust of wind
began a storm
Simply matchless
It was time-less

They were speechless
So totally shocked
And totally powerless
What happened
Somewhat composure-less
and surely
understanding-less

Is it hopeless
Senseless
Helpless

We were nameless
We have a name
We were wordless
The words came
Still we are
a little song-less
Yet we're not toneless
You do hear it
We aren't flawless
Just a bit anchor-less
You will become soundless
You'll never get rid of us

We were "-less

Spontaneity

2007-08-04T01:06:00.000-07:00

She: for those who wonder

:-?

me: for those who are silent :P

for those who make me wonder

for those who are enigmatic ;)

She: for those who are idiotic

me: for those who enjoy idiocy ;)

She: for those who are lazy ;)

me: for those who love the crazy :P

She: hahahhah

for those who understand that crazyness :)

me: :DShe: :D
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
She - A good friend :)

conversation began as soon as she came online and saw my status which read "for those who cant ;)" : a spin off of my blogpost from here

I simply love her spontaneity :)

All about a girl..

2007-06-13T08:35:00.000-07:00

sometime last May, this girl messages me on orkut. adds me because she remembered me to be a funny guy from her earlier stint at orkut. I take an immediate liking towards her for her wicked sense of humor, I yearn to know more about her. and in the process of doing this for a year, I have been let into her world.A world filled with insanity, patience, philosophy, humor, agony,wisdom and sometimes the lack of it and much more.

Patience to withstand me ranting.A wicked sense of humor to put a smile on me, and sometimes even make me laugh out loud (does not happen often with me). Wise enough to give great advice and be mature, lack of it when it comes to taking some and hence be the kid.
Philosophically inclined with a matching intellect, to study(understand, question and infer) fellow humans and hence fuel my debates regarding every random topic that I could think of. Insane(my meaning differs) enough to be and loved to be called so. My safety vault, to know & keep my secrets and not judge. And much more, filled with ingredients that I thought, if found together, would make me fall in love.

Ingredients that were found together. But did not make me fall in love, but made me dumbstruck. left me in total awe. Admiration towards a woman with such prized possessions. Honored (perhaps a strong word to be used in friendship. Hence, should I say pleasured ?) to be in her company, wanting more.

And finally an acknowledgment, for the woman who made me realize the simplicity in noticing that my feelings for those who I called crushes and pondered on the possibility of (questionable) love, towards various women(that I mention as crushes), who, I realize now, I merely admire for all the wonderful qualities they possess. An acknowledgment that eases off some pain by knowing(or may be by telling myself) that it was just the admiration that drew me towards them.

And all this was done by a girl being herself. A totally crazy nut, who I shall never let go ;)

p.s. writing this as a note to myself, in case I forget any of the lessons I have learnt. And also possibly help others to avoid some confusion (if any) between love and an admirable friend.

Random Quotes and Chat

2007-06-03T08:44:00.000-07:00

1) Me being crazy
P (1:30:46 AM): love without marraige! :P
S (1:30:50 AM): love and all is thrash ani:P
P (1:30:50 AM): nahi
P (1:30:53 AM): alanti community aite
P (1:30:56 AM): assal oppukonu
P (1:31:02 AM): i wanna be eternally in love ;;)
P (1:31:07 AM): okallu kakapote inkokallu :d
S (1:31:27 AM): :))
S (1:31:34 AM): telsu nee edava concept:P
P (1:31:44 AM): parledu, live the moment antaru janalu
P (1:31:48 AM): alage love in the moment :p

2) This is what a friend just showed me, a quote on stupidity.
All of us have the right to be stupid, but some people just abuse the privilege.

3) A friend on her height (admire her sense of humor :) )
we are of the bonsai, we are proud of our altitude :P.

4) a status message of mine
When dreams come true, look out for the nightmares.

5) sarcastic comeback ?
H: ignorance is bliss
M: thanks for ignoring me, I am blissful.

6)this time it is on orkut

S : ... neeku ela aina definition ledu kada..
P : Enduku ledu , pavan = state of intellectual perfection

S : hahahhahhahah.... ippudu ardam ayindi... enta chetta ag unna... ee confidence tho batikestunnavo nuvvu ani..... good... every person should have such positive attitude.... ;)

P : enthaina naa lanti vallaki nuvve inspiration pilla ;)

Expect Updates!

Interesting Facts ? - confessions ??

2007-05-27T12:00:00.000-07:00

I have been tagged by la femme de la luna. Am supposed to say a few interesting facts about myself ? well I talk a lot and I make sure people get to know me well enough in the first place :D. If they do not it just pisses me off**! well anyways, let me just state a few weird facts that might or might not be interesting to some of the people reading this.

1) I would say, my brother and my best friends readily agreeing, that I know more people online than offline. (lemme rephrase, I know more interesting people online than offline.)

2) I grew up in hyderabad , yet I can not speak hindi fluently. (though I can understand it well enough). me a shame to a beautiful city :( .

3) I irritate people closest to my heart, the most. Unknowingly. And the poor soul that is my younger brother has suffered a lot :P.**

4) I am really good at maths, but I too flunked it once :P , in 7th grade ;) (my mom has the honor of acing her boards in the third try :D ).

5) I can write pretty well, Yes I CAN! :)) but only when I am not trying, and I realize how good something is only when I read it after a few months :D

6) When in the zone, Nothing else matters. I can work for hours together without taking a break. My longest record being 12 hrs straight :D. This happens mostly the day before something is due, and I get it done! ;)

7) I have never loved anyone, but have hated people for loving others :P.**

8) (for those interested in astrology) , I have a thing for pisceans. Too many piscean friends, most of whom I have had a crush on :O.

9) Growing up with a libran , (my intelligent enough brother) , I have become a good enough debater. i.e. Confuse when they dont conform :P.

10) I have never really hit anyone when I am angry. I slapped, I pushed, I knocked them around. But no hard hitting ever :| (and I am a short tempered person).

hmm.. that is about it..

I would not do this normally, but ..
I would really appreciate it if people let me know what they find interesting in me.

finally,
thanks mydh ;)
-----------------------------
Edit : 27th May

As priyakanth put it, nothing new here. He knew all of this; I probably wrote this to conceal a part of me. Well it took me some time..
will repeat some stuff that i said earlier..
but here it goes...

** I irritate people closest to my heart, the most. Unknowingly. And the poor soul that is my younger brother has suffered a lot.
And yet after 20 years, we are in good terms. Not a bad thing. And with friends it is nice to have people who are equally irritating and even more understanding..

** I have never loved anyone, but have hated people for loving others
Totally true, or perhaps a defense mechanism developed in order to keep me stable. But that is what I tell to myself in order to be sane and be in an eternal quest..

** I make sure people get to know me well enough in the first place :D. If they do not it just pisses me off!
Not true! I expect too much from too little. But some people have a way of surprising you (both pleasantly and unpleasantly). And it is nice when a person can understand you..

and now more.. (interesting or not, they are here)

I find the character of Ellsworth Toohey (from fountainhead) the most interesting.
For those who have not read the book, and also for those who have read it, I related to that character not because what he does with the knowledge , but the process of understanding humans itself.

I lie compulsively. I confess compulsively.
I guess a twisted formula developed by a twisted brain (humbly accepted to be mine), as a way of strengthening bonds ? A direct application of the fact mentioned just before this one..

I say a lot of things without thinking, which in turn make me think, to cover my own ass!

The people who know me inside out (and hence know me) are either from the opposite gender, or who do not think like me at all or both.
so there goes my search for a perfect female :D

As someone mentioned, that i am "on this constant pursuit of THE one. Which is not fair to all the people in between"
I argued.But I agree. Sorry for not mentioning your name, But you were right ;) and yes also sweet :P.

If I were myself, I would never be my friend
Too little to offer. Know most of myself. Also talk to myself anyways..

I use jealousy as a test of love.
Being jealous of someone would only mean that I do not place them close to my heart. Thankfully all of my best friends and family pass that test ;) (Sadly, only they do pass it)

I never achieved what was expected of me, both by myself and by others around me..

I really care about a lot of people. But do not know if I care too much or too little..

I exaggerate while I write.

Thanks to a certain Mrs. Malathi Ramaswamy (my 10th grade English teacher), who sparked an idea that I could write well enough, you all have to suffer reading all this.
--------------------------

That is it for now. And do expect a few more edits, If I suddenly realize something that I did not mention..

I tag all those who have commented, or are desperately in need of a tag..
I also tag all those who consider me to be a good enough friend :P
hehehahahhahahaa!! :)) had to put that last line in here though =))

Carpe Diem

2007-05-20T06:07:00.000-07:00

I have just come to know couple of hours ago that the Latin phrase carpe diem means seize the day in English!

And people this post is going to get a bit philosophical, so run while you can. reading this any further will be at your own risk!

if you are in a hurry, then skip the history lesson
if you dont like me, please do not skip the history lesson

begin history lesson

To start it off, let me talk about how I got to know this phrase. I was reading about atheism in Indian history, which, contrary to many beliefs, exists!. 5 out of 9 traditional philosophical schools of ancient India are atheistic.Of the 5, none of them believe in a god, 2 of them believe in vedas, 4 of them believe in an afterlife. But there is atleast one school that does not believe in either a god or an afterlife!

And reading relating stuff, I was reading about the epicureans (the greek counterparts) and hence I came across Horace and the phrase coined by him, Carpe Diem!!

end history lesson

So how is this relevant ? I have no freaking idea!!

I just think it is a nice idea to take each day as it comes. Actually , it is not something that I have read and taken into consideration, but is something that I have learnt from experience. (a short 22 years it may be!)

So living each day as it were your last, doing what you wanted to do the most, everyday for the rest of your life, would you do the same thing ? perhaps a reasonable idea for the intelligent elite.

but for the billions of humans living on earth , is that a reasonable thing to do ? would that even be practical! well whatever, I guess everybody has to follow their own philosophies, And I should mine.

this could have been a much better post, had it been started a year ago. I am .. different now :). anyways, the thing is

I wanted to let people know a few things
1) Carpe Diem means Seize the day
2) philosophy is better experienced than learnt
3) logic can only take you so far
4) everybody should have their own philosophy (this could give rise to a paradox)
5) i dont make much sense if i havent slept for over a day.
6) good night / good day / good afternoon / happy eid/ happy sankranti/ happy diwali/ merry christmas / happy new year / many happy returns of the day (as i never know when people will ever read this post!)

p.s. no i am not drunk

One of those days

2007-05-15T21:02:00.000-07:00

When..
being yourself hurts people around you..
people around you, being themselves hurts you..
a friendly crowd makes you feel alone..
you feeling alone, want a friendly crowd..

hmm. i would like to elaborate this, but not in the mood that i am in right now! other than that, I realize that I can be pretty annoying most of the time. And trying to be extravagant with my unique brain and uncontrollable mouth is not something that many people appreciate. and ofcourse, i got to know this not from one person , but from each and every dude/ dudette i hang around with.

well anyways, I dont hate being myself, I hate the people for not taking all of me in, but only in parts!

a few words

2007-05-08T01:47:00.000-07:00

yes just a few words to a few of my friends.
no names, just get the message if you can relate to it.

I guess, the person you love , really likes you; take a chance, take your time.
I know, the person you really like needs time; take your time.
I care about you. Hence , I have to be the pessimist. But will always be happy for you.
I wish you are seeing this, it is hard being me. I hate you for what you do to me.
I really liked you once. Wish you good luck.
I am loving each and every bit of you. Cant say why I do not love you.
I am getting to know more about you, you are a smart one.
I am getting to know you, I wish you had more time.
I hate what you do to yourself. I love what you are.
I miss you. I miss the insanity.
I miss you too. I miss the fun.
I wish you succeed. I will see you soon.
I hope there is hope.
for dozens more, I do care. Not in a traditional way.

p.s. each line is for a different person.

End of a semester

2007-05-04T02:26:00.000-07:00

Finally it is the end of a semester in a relatively new land. And I am only blogging here, to sort out my thoughts at 5 27 am on a friday morning... err make that 4 29 am on a tuesday morning :P (yes I delayed it for a while)

So what have I learnt /observed ?..

first, that i can cook aloo very well.
second, i can cook only aloo very well.
third, i can screw up aloo very well.

and among other stuff, I learnt/observed..

Given a computer (with internet) and a telephone i can live about anywhere in the world.
Without neither of them, I would practically be a parasite on someone who does :P.
Spending 18 hrs in a library is not an easy thing to do.
spending 18 hrs in a library is something that I can manage :D
given the right time and right place (or perhaps wrong time and wrong place) i can be dangerous!.
also that , given my independence, I dont get drunk everyday :D. (i only boozed twice the whole sem >:P)

and some serious stuff

love is directly proportional to the distance.
internet can also help best friends :P
A,A,A,B sounds great :D (those are my grades)
not all people are ass holes
most people are.

random thoughts, random post. no questions please :D

Sweet Dreams

2007-04-29T13:27:00.000-07:00

Sweet dreams are made of this,
Who am I to disagree,
Travel the world and seven seas,
Everybody is looking for something.
Some of them want to use you,
Some of them want to be used by you,
Some of them want to abuse you,
Some of them want to be abused..

Initially sung by Eurythmics in 1985 (or sometime in the 1980's)

I wanna use you and abuse you
I wanna know whats inside you
I'm gonna use you and abuse you
I'm gonna know whats inside you

Added by Marilyn Manson in 1994 (or thereabouts)

now, listen to both the songs and decide which one suits you better :)

But whatever the sweet dreams are made up of, they can so easily be turned into nightmares :D

Saying It , Finally!

2007-04-21T03:28:00.000-07:00

Thought that I was highly adaptable to change, and indeed am.

But one routine that simply will not go away without a fight , is the comfort of being surrounded by people you love (or people who love you). All your life you live not knowing what it means to be otherwise. you get accustomed to more people who fit the category, while not losing the ones already in there. And at once the routine is no more. The people still exist. But the comfort does not. Replaced by pain , you want to make it go. Then you realize , you rather not. Probably , because it indicates that you are human. Probably , because it teaches you to value something precious. And it will probably make you want it more. Probably will make you want to search for it in the new wilderness. Eventually , it makes you realize the importance of , having always, something to fall back on.

And I have had that realization.

And after weeks of hinting it, and after days of ignoring it into the sub-conscious , I am going to say it now. I miss you all. (All would include anyone who is reading this and has known me for over a year!.) I miss others too, but I miss most , those I had most fun with.

Hmm , come to think of it,it was not about the fun I had with them. It is knowing that they cared. That I cared for them back. And that they were all around me. Something that does not happen rarely. Something I thought that I could replicate with others, after coming here. Something that was not going to happen within 4 months of going to a new place. Something that I really am desperately trying to achieve.Something that is not going to happen with complete strangers or my new friends. Something that I have not succeeded in. Something that evades and pains me. Something that was a part of my life for 22 years , and was not for 4 months.

22 years is a long time. 4 months is not.

I miss you all.

p.s. for those who got lost trying to figure out what the hell is going on up in my blog, here is a tip. "something = comfort of knowing that you cared, and are cared for".

Where Am I ?

2007-04-10T10:18:00.000-07:00

Playing cricket on the weekend,
Waiting till the last day to start my assignment,
Taking a bus to college everyday,
Having chicken fried rice , for lunch, most of the time
Spending most of my time online,
Seeing couple of movies (atleast) a week,
Hanging out at a friends place quite often,
Spending time,talking with my parents than before,
Getting to know your close friends better than before..
Where the hell am I ?
No, I am not in an alien country ,
But still, why is there a feeling of being all alone?

Mein Herz Brennt! ??

2007-03-14T17:50:00.000-07:00

well, yeah. I admit, I cant stay away from the blogs!. But what do I do when my brain so badly wants to let off some steam :D. Well , that is when working around the system works ;). And yes this following post , if considered by my rules , should go into freaky. But considering that, I have taken a break from it, here is where I work around my own rules :D and i am calling it controlled expression, because that is what , I guess, I am doing here!

Recently I have been listening to a lot of rammstein. They can be depressive, but they can also help you let go off your inner pent up emotions of anger and frustration, just by singing along :D . Just do not care that they sing in a completely different language than you know! (and German strangely is closer to Sanskrit than any other language that I know.. weird ?? ).

Well anyways, listening to one of their songs, I just wanted to write / add a few lines of my own by editing one their songs. And here you go..

Come little children, pay attention,
I am the voice of the pillow,
I have brought you something..
I ripped it from my chest..
With this heart, I have the power,
To comfort you to sleep,
And sing to you until the day awakes,
With the bright light of the heavens..
But my heart burns...

Dear little children,now pay attention,
I am the voice of the darkness,
I come to you from the cellars,
To look under your bedding.
And steal your hot little tears ..
And put them in my cold veins..
But as the moon awakens..
With its grim glow of hope,
My heart still burns.. !

call it creative freedom , or whatever you want. I have rearranged the lyrics of their song, to fit some meaning I was looking for :). But full credit to Rammstein for their beautiful song.!. Lyrics to that song can be viewed here . mein herz brennt It is the first song in the whole list given.

and no my heart does not burn, how much ever I try, it is still ice cold! :(

Reminiscence

2007-02-26T22:03:00.000-08:00

Finally some satisfaction. Small though it may be , I was satisfied when I looked up the word "reminiscence" in www.dictionary.com and found out that it means the same thing as I thought it would mean. NICE!

Coming to the point , (which I assure you, is not about blabbering my English skills , which are minimal.) I always do stuff that will make me take my mind of things. And mostly it is like this (and even more so in this order).

1) Listening to music
Most common thing I do to set myself up. And also most tiresome. I get bored of the songs often, I have to keep finding newer play lists. (p.s. right now me into rammstein :D). Keeps me mind of whats going on around me, also helps me concentrate on what I am doing at the moment. Totally cool you see. also find that this gets addictive after a while. You cant live without it! (not a bad thing to have)

2)Friends, Friends n Friends
Online chats, Phone calls or live conversation. Nothing beats the time we spend with good friends, takes your mind completely off what it was thinking. And then you realise that it is not just the talk that is doing the magic, but the people you hang around with. Begin to love them then.

3)Isolation
Watch movies alone. Write me blogs when I am alone (like I am doing right now.). And this really helps. Just a way of letting out your frustration. or some other built up emotion that doesnt find a better home than a few words on a hypertext page in the internet for others to see.

4)Reminiscence
Yes finally Reminiscence. This is mostly unconscious on my part. A part of my brain is always reminiscing something from all over my life. bringing random memories at unpredictable times. But the really cool (yes I am lame, and hence use the word cool) part is that when you are doing it intentionally and especially when you admire yourself for doing somethings, (kind of patting your own back! ) you are better. well at least I am. sort of a small minded guy I guess.

Well anyways, just another blog to let off something.
But I really do feel nice when I read my own posts.
Today I did not.
My first.
My last ?

Wishing You..

2007-02-14T13:18:00.000-08:00

folks, its valentines day! And yeah the pessimist/sadist/syko in me has finally awakened. And yes I dont have anything better to do on this most romantic day of the year than to sit in front of my laptop (note the change from "my computer" in older posts to "my laptop" in this one ? well if you didnt, I am just going to say I just love my new LAPTOP :D) and blog away. Yes blog away the pain of not having something better to do than this. Should I call it the pain or illusion of pain ? well I am not sure anymore. Especially when I consider myself to be beyond the pity emotions :D. But now , more than ever, am really glad of the fact that I am a normal human, to whom the laws of nature apply in the same way :D.

But then as people would say look at the positives, well I have been doing that all my life. and I just want to look at the negatives just for a change. and isnt there a saying which goes variety is the spice of life. well in the land of bland, you have to improvise. and improvise I will!. Change from a stance of an optimist to a pessimist or even a sadist to some extent. and for all those who have read through this crap, please bear some more!. and then probably slap yourselves silly for listening to me and reading the whole of it (my suggestion, run like hell).

yes love, well who knows what it is. I dont. well I say that I do, but really I dont. I just am so jealous ans suspicious. Jealous because other people say that they do , and suspicious because I have no way of telling if they are lying or not. I have no clue what the hell love is. But I do know that something is missing over here, and most probably that will be filled up by someone at somepoint in the (questionably near) future.

so what the hell am I babbling about ? I have no clue. Just wanted to post something to come out of my misery, and hopefully force it down upon some of my unsuspecting readers. So just blogged to be a sadist and just wish you all..

A very very crappy valentines day !

The Meaning

2007-01-26T10:49:00.000-08:00

.. where the supreme power rests in the body of citizens entitled to vote and is exercised by representatives chosen directly or indirectly by them...

That is the definition of the word that was used most often today by many of my friends.

2006-2007

2007-01-03T22:49:00.000-08:00

aah blogging after a long long time :)
yes the bug is back and its back with a vengence, a lot to write about this past year, and the few days into the new year. and where do i start..

well lemme begin with what i was doin at the end of last year, for the people who have seen my earlier blogs that wont be much of an exercise, you guessed it i was BLOGGING. and that post i regard as one of my best..

anyways, about the year..
one of those years that had all of it, many firsts,and probably many -long time wont do's.

Beginning with my first failure in academics, (yes, i have joined the elite star batch of engineering by failing an exam in the first sem of the fourth year) Till my first flight towards the end of the year (where i flew away from my country for the first time).. lots of things to talk about..

Time capsue 2006

A Friendly Time

year began like any other, but then came along a friend :) a friend that i would never lose in my life, that i guess is my biggest gain of the year , a great friend. one girl that always has a lot to say even if i want to listen or not :D. (sorry sorry, ofcourse i listen.. ;) ). love her for what she is , love her for what she istn :D. pilla, i miss u ra ;)

then ofcourse there were a cpl of other more new ppl in my life, that i regard as good friends too.

One of them a lively smart and equally stupid, truly hyderabadi girl :D , a girl who i think has great potential in her.. just cant see it why cant i find more girls like her :(. one of the very few girls that i can call amazing :) keep rocking dudette ;)

The other a very friendly n kiddish , also idiotically stupidish n even hyderabadi girl, one with lots of sense , one who cares enough about me to actually listen to what i say :) one unliklely cornerstore of wise words and extremely good advice, sure do miss her talks these days.. hmm..

aah , the crushes ..

well ofcourse the crushes, this time there have been a lot :D 6 to be precise liking each one of them for one quality that stands out..
and ofcourse one big one that continued from the last year..

one for her great smile and her kiddish nature
one for her lively mood and her damned brains
one for her quirky and quick comebacks,
one for her nonstop talk of non boring nonsense
one for her ability to listen and speak
one for her no nonsense approach :)

and ofcourse the one from previous year, who has most of it all..
best thing though, have been braver this year and have told everyone about what i love in them :D

The Guys

yeah, the guys. simply superb dudes.
just when you give up on them, they go out of their way and surprise you.
from planning partially failed surprise birthday parties , to pulling me out of water in dholari dhani.. it has been hillarious with the guys :).

got drunk and stupid with a few of em.
got even more drunk and even more stupid with the rest :D
got to roam the corners of the city with one
got to appreciate the real value of fun time with the other
got to understand another sides of some
got to miss a few
got to make room for a few more :)

guys, u have always been great to me. (except for a few). so keep up the good work comrades.

The Void

that is what i am going to call the period between may and october of this year. the void, did nothing but use my valuable grey cells in trying to figure out ways to understand myself in so many ways that i no longer enjoy the challenge of the unknown, i do not fear it , i do not look forward to it. i just dont care because i know how well i can handle it. the void, sounds like a thing that everyone should go through, but not so.. its something that people do when they are dead. recollect. recollect what has been done in their life and may be improve themselves for their next life, so if u are confident of an new life before dying, then i suggest that you do have one of these periods :).

the void is also the period in which i received no less than a million suggestions on what i am supposed to be doing instead of wasting my valuable time on the internet, it is also the time i wsa trying to find a great girl with as many amazing (relative to me) qualities as possible. was moderately sucessful in understanding that many of my female friends are pretty amazing :) sad that they were my friends first though :( (rate my friends higher than anyone else :D , ofcourse next only to my brother :) ).

it was also the time that i realised that i had to be what i am to become what i aspire to be what i am right now. and that is what i did, became damn agressive towards what i wanted and never backed down until someone hit me with a tranquiliser gun :D

it was alsso the time for clarifications

1)i wasnt supposed to work in india (conceptions of god scare me, but a good thing did happen t) me)or that is what i told myself atleast.. right when i was rejected by one of the software companies.

2)proactivity is damn helpful but is mostly over rated

3) i can also be "lost and hopeless" sometimes

The void did bring peace to my mind but it also brought in chaos. well anyways that was the end of it..

the new place

missing my damn city , more than the people..
weird that the feeling that you are in a different country doesn sink in yet i await that feeling. even jealous of the people who do.. they have something that i dont have, a weeping heart for missing someone that really cares about you. a feeling that re affirms that you are human..

Despite the clean roads, the wider streets, bigger halls , seemingly friendlier people, probably law abiding citizens..i dont see any reason why i shud feel any inherent feeling of loss..or the nostalgia of missing ones country where one in two people speak telugu

But i do have certain responsibilities right now , they come along with the property of freedom that i have right now. just wish this new life really does bring new "life" to my bland gray color of my life :)

All in All
it was another year with lots of memories, of which only a very few special ones have been covered and talked about.I have become more stubborn, more self centred, more realistic, more couregous and definitely more insane :). all i can say this time around is Bye Bye 2006. No attachments this time around..

New Year , New Life ?
The first day of this year, Its the first day of my life that I have spent absolutely no one asking me / controlling me/ telling me what to do. That being a major thing in my life , I expect this year to be one with huge surprises and successes.
so..
lemme just start this new year with a hope that i will have even better experiences, wild or wise, good or bad. with this new responsibility that my individual freedom brings me, i expect to be more and more toned down as i become regularised. hope this spark of writing once in a while stays alive.. thinking about nothing in particualr, i just want to wish ya'll

Happy new year every one :)

may not be the best thing that i have written, but probably the best i can do without puttng my heart into it :) and while half asleep ;)

Nostalgia Lost ?

2006-12-28T04:53:00.000-08:00

Or should I say never had ??
Either way, voyage to another country isnt what I was told it would be.

No tears
No heartaches
No sense of loss
No Enthusiasm
No Fear
No Anxiety
No Nostalgia..

Yet..

Is it good ? Or is it bad ?
I have no clue..
But I really am jealous of the people who do have all those..
Jealous like any other person would be,
When others have something that I dont..

Was promised by a friend, was promised that I will be made nostalgic..
Me awaits, for that feeling to sink in...

Obligation

2006-10-08T15:53:00.000-07:00

i am sick of it. sick of appearing intellectual.yes, appearing intellectual.
i actually have to think before i speak anything these days. and i hate it.

i want to be speaking without even straining a single brain cell.
i want to speak shit if its the first thing that comes to my mind.
i want to offend people if that is what my unconscious is telling me to do.
i want to sound like a moron.
and i sure as hell dont want to try n say the right thing always.

i hate obligation.
i hate that i have succumbed to the insecurity of being myself.
i hate that i have become an attention monger
(yes u are right. dont know who pointed it out first but someone did)
i hate the fact that i try to be funny.
i hate the fact that i do not know where i am.

i give up.
rather , i realise my fault. i understand, hence will be able to fix it.
there you go, i realise that obligation is a bug in my system.
once detected , the bug will be fixed.

ofcourse, like a good programmer knows,
a bug fixed is another bug created.
i will deal with you , when you actually become a problem.

october 6th

2006-10-05T12:16:00.000-07:00

9 months ago(to the date)..
in a yahoo conference..
i met this live cracker..
got to know her very well..
met her 2 days after that..
uphill relationship since then..
one friend that i never wanted to lose..
one friend that i will never ever lose :)

21 years ago..(again to the date)
this very live cracker was born
calling her a boy wudnt be ur mistake
but it will sure end your happy days :P
nothing traditionally girly about her ,
yet you can not deny the fact she is one!
sweet n sour at the same time,
one hell of a krackjack.
thats siri for you.
happy birthday ra :)

Something I Realised Lately

2006-09-20T13:51:00.000-07:00

4 months of lazing around.. sitting on my ass and wasting my time.. and it had to happen sometime.. i do have my introspections these days.. and here are a few things that i realised before today.

i have been starving for attention for far too long. enough is enough.
thanks to a dude who mentioned it to me. but a bit more bluntly. called me a pain in the ass.

i have become too self centered. it helps me sometimes.
No comments. but my mom reminds me everyday...

i broke a promise. didnt give space to someone i promised that i wud.
weird enough, i realise it only now. after its too late. sorry for that.

i still am what i am. a strong minded freak.
confrontation still brings out the best and worst of me. Confrontation ONLY.

and now coming to the part about what i realised today.
was having a conversation (yeah people, a CHATTING conversation!!) with a friend of mine..
and she was talking about how everything in her life ends up in her not knowing her potential. chances that were never taken, rather taken away from her.

being the self centered fool that i am, i started thinking about myself :D. yes, my life. how messed up it was. and the reasons that i was giving for it. i tell myself that there havent been enough chances to prove myself. and for the ones that i mess up, i have argued bad fate or more recently (After a few earlier introspections ) my over confidence. I have been bitching too much about my fkd up life.

I havent taken any chances , I havent done anything but bitch about my failures.

I tell my parents that i dont wanna attend interviews because it might change my mind about doing MS. but it has another side, partly am afraid that i might fail again.
I never studied too much , ever. when i scored well it was my "talent", when i didnt it was my bad luck.( suggested my ego ).
I still talk about how i fkd up IIT
I still talk about how i cant get over someone
I still talk about how i cud have been better.

but the fact remains , once the chain of actions started way back when i was an over confident idiot, it was downhill. downhill upto this point i realise that bickering isnt good. in the process i was depressed , pessimistic , ignorant , self obssessed and many things more.
Now that i have realised that, may be i can move on. that is how things work out for me. so here it is.
finally i accept what i have done. i accept what i am.

Me, My name & My Identity..

2006-09-11T14:53:00.000-07:00

Who are you ?

when someone comes up to you and asks that question, most people answer by giving their name.

some weirdos may answer by giving their caste/religion/nationality/an astrological sign/ones sexual oreintation or whatever identity they feel safe or most describes them. but are we solely what we reply to that question ?

am i just my name, pavan , which means breeze , free flowing , one that can not be tied down ? it sure does look romantic to think that i am what my name suggests i am. But i prefer to be what i choose to be. i prefer to be more than a free flowing soul, i wish to stubborn as a rock sometimes, fierce as the fire may be and a lot of other stuff too..

why all this philosophy ?? :P

well , I had a really really long conversation with my friend , aarti.

if any one wants to read it, and has 15 minutes to spare, i recommend that you read it.
follow the link here

first it started as a discussion pondering about why I am not what I was a few months ago. She talks sense into me many times. And thats what she did this time too.. well not everything though..

I agree with all of what she says, except for the part when she says that i am becoming my name , goda.

Its true that I was a better person back then.
Its also true that i fill myself with negative feelings these days.
Its also true that I have become limited.
Its also true that many of my abilities lay latent right now.
I agree with all that, some of which I knew, some of which I needed help with.

But , like i said , I didnt agree with the issue, that letting myself be called.. Goda .. I was supposed to be limiting my abilities. I had a good debate with her regarding that issue..

for the argument i put forth, read the whole conversation. Here is the same link..

Anyways all i want to say here is ,
despite what i am called, despite what people think of me, I am myself. I am what I think i am (as long as i think sanely).

The matter of fact that the rest of the world thinks otherwise should not change who you are. not just by your name or by something you have done. the arguement that you become what people around you keep calling you is just damn insane. it is the thinking of a pessimist. once the idea creeps into your mind , you are giving an invitation to all the people around to judge who you are. you may argue that you will not give them the chance. you are wrong, you are not omnipresent, you are not perfect. you end up doing mistakes, people start judging you whether you like it or not. you WILL be called as many names as there are. you may aruge with them until they give up calling you by names other than your own. In the process waste your precious time , waste your energy, waste the better part of your abilities fighting something that shouldnt bother you.

You can simply move on with your life. You can be oblivious to the fact what the world thinks or calls you. you can be yourself, no matter what you are labelled, packaged, publicised as. I am like that. atleast as of now. I dont care what people think of me when they calle me goda or fat ass or something else. I dont care if they really think i am too limited, or am too fat to sit in a fucking theater seat. I know what i am, i know what i am capable of. Lesser minded people thinking otherwise of me, doesnt bother me. It doesnt make me insecure, it sure as hell doesnt affect me.

To aarti , if you are seeing this..
I have changed because of many reasons. I have changed because being a better person didnt justify for what i had to go through. It is temporary, I will be back.
And this post is just something that came out instinctively. I dont mean to disrespect you in anyway.. you are one of the wisest people i know :) but i hope u understand that i need not , necessarily , agree with you.. i have my beliefs, and you have yours :)..

In case if anyone still has any doubts.. as to why i am writing this post when i say that i am not insecure ? well i love making my point publicly. I dont care if one likes/ agrees with me or not.. but here I go,

MY NAME(S?) ARE JUST WORDS. I LOVE MY NAME. I ALSO LOVE BEING CALLED BY MY NICKNAMES. BUT NONE OF THEM ARE MY IDENTITY,AND SURE AS HELL ARE NOT ME!!

Boulevard Of Broken Dreams

2006-08-20T13:12:00.000-07:00

I walk a lonely road, the only one that i have ever known
dont know where it goes, but it is home to m and i walk alone
i walk this empty street , on this boulevard of broken dreams
where the city sleeps and i am the only one and i walk alone
i walk alone.. i walk alone..
i walk alone.. i walk alone..

my shadow is the only one thats beside me,
my shallow heart is the only things thats beating..
sometimes i wish, someone up there will find me..
till then i walk alone..
...
--boulevard of broken dreams -- greenday

no i m not posting the lyrics to the song 2 years after it is released.
but i was thinking about the song
and was wondering why it became such a huge hit.
huger because , its a "punk rock" song,
that went on to create all kinds of records in the age of pop.
And almost everyone whoz seeig this post has already heard this song.
I can bet safely that almost everyone of u felt the same way i felt,
when i heard the song... peace and calm...

well what really catches my attention is the fact that this very song was loved my millions and millions of people. now just take a look at the lyrics once again. what do u see??

a lonely soul, wandering through the world.
a broken heart, waiting for someone.

people related themselves to that i guess. so did i. so do many of you.
what do i infer ? people are not happy.
they feel lonely, lost until they find someone who understands them.
and what more, people like that are not alone. there are millions of them.
so , err.. is that ironical, or is a paradox..
is it the sign of things to come, people feeling more and more left out ??
interact more people.. find a sweet heart.. or just find a good friend..

i know i will, everytime i hear that song :)

Nirvana

2006-08-11T13:42:00.000-07:00

no i am not talking about the rock band. (even though i am a fan).
i am talking about the actual meaning of the word ,
Nirvana : enlightenment, liberation, moksha, release from suffering and attainment of supreme eternal happiness and state.
no, i havent gone philosophical. (i already am!)
at this point let me define each and every step in achieving nirvana.
and may be also let ya'll know how i am trying to get there.

Enlightenment : knowing the answer of life, the universe, and everything else.
the answer is 42. there you go, step 1 completed.
if you dont know what i am talking about, read the hitch hikers guide to the galaxy.

Liberation : Being liberated (free) from all wordly pleasures.
live in a remote indian village where people are living below the poverty line.
yeah, its that easy.

Moksha : Liberation from the cycle of re-birth
now this is tricky, all u have to do is tell god the following statment; when u meet him.
"if you are sending me down there once again, i am gonna nuke the whole damned planet"

Release from suffering
smoke a joint

Attainment of supreme eternal happiness
smoke a joint everyday for the rest of ur life while listening to pink floyd.

And there you go people,
a recipe for nirvana.
Read the hitchhikers guide to the galaxy while listening to pink floyd and smoking pot (or whatever that makes u get high) in a remote village in India. (ofcourse dont forget to blackmail god when u meet him)

good luck with that people.
a bored mind , yapping some shit, signing off now

A Little Rusty..

2006-07-27T15:22:00.000-07:00

July 28th
hmm..
still rusty :((
nothing to say :(
damn the sops..

Update:
July 30th
(well early hours of 31st july)

This is what i figured.I always write instinctively. My instinct telling me to take break, my mind asking me to finish the damn job, here i am. Blogging to break the damn block in the mind. May be if i could gather some courage and find a few points that i should and should not use , may be it will help me out :)

here are a few questions that are asked most often!!

* describe your academic and career goals.

What i really am good at is lying easily and getting away with it. I can be very manipulative, and u can not get a smarter cookie than me :). All of the above mentioned qualities come good when you have aspirations to become a politician.

And to be a politician in my country, you need not be academically good. Infact it is a drawback , the more learned you are the more you dont matter. Here I would point out at two of the leading politicans of India

A.P.J.Abdul Kalam (a prominent scientist) , President of India
Who has to act on what the leader of the government says to him, i.e. the prime minister. His degree in science didnt help him now did it..

Dr. Manmohan Singh , Prime Minister of India
Who has to act on what the leader of the ruling party says to him , i.e. Ms. Sonia Gandhi. His degree in economics is no good either :D.

and then there is laloo , the minister for railways.
Dont know if he finished school, but single handedly overturned the fortunes of the INDIAN RAILWAYS that was running in losses for decades.

In the near future, my academic interests have no bearing to what I really want to become. Infact I am going to try my best to sabotage my chances of attaining a good enough degree , which might result in achieving me some name and fame academically :D.

* In which specific area do you wish to study?

I would love to say , it dont matter no more. But then again, I am a curious cat. I really want to know how the politicians in your country turn up the way they are. So my choice would be whatever your president claims to have done.

Afterall, how hard can it be, BUSH did it!!!

* Why should you be admitted into the program?

In a few years, you can claim that the prime minister of India has studied at your university. Would not that be consolation enough.

Also I am willing to bribe anyone willing :D

* Why do you want to pursue a graduate degree at Our University?

Because every damn idiot I have been meeting these days , is going to the united states of america. I being the ego maniac I am, didnt want to be left behind and wanted to see what all this fuss is about. Besides I also wanted to do a favour for a University like yours that badly needs publicity, and who else than a willing soon-to-be politician.

*Concluding Remarks!

So now I would like to conclude this personal statement of purpose , by saying that it will be a honour, me studying in your university. Afterall, you dont get a flambouyant and young political aspirant offering to study at your institution everyday.

p.s. I am willing to pay my fees by my own means. No aid or assistantships required. I know enough people to scam and get away with it.

Alright I agree that this isnt an actual SOP. This isnt exactly what you would be writing to impress someone. But this is what I hope will break me free from my mind block that wont let me write...

Well anyways, still am a little rusty, but the flow is back people :D

Ego-Mania

2006-07-06T15:22:00.000-07:00

or call it whatever you want, but i do read my blogs and feel a bit better about myself knowing that i am not a bad writer after all :D. No , i dont write stories, i just write about what i think. and that i figured out, through blogging, is not a bad thing to do :) and being the altruist i am :p , i am going to share some of my best work with you people, and here is how it goes.. first the post, and then the lines from it that i most liked..

My poems if u can call them that..

~goodbye
...
....
I remember the day,
when my heart had to stop ,
and my will took over , for better or for worse..
I remember the day,
when the dreams ended,
and the reality dawned..
...
..

~Bring It On

...You have thrived,
on others fear of the unknown.
But here you hit a barrier.
Bearing this sign, Just for you
"Bring it on!!!"

~I hate you

I hate you ,
for, i dont get the words to explain why....

~Rock Of Solitude

....But if I had any emotion,
I'd say it was the other way around
and gladly take your pain,
rather than have nothing to gain...

~Sinusoid Of My Life

....The sun raises again , To begin a new day.
The Peak still towering over the rest.
I will, I will get to the top some day..

and thats the end of my poems(??) section and there is more to come..

so have a drinks break or something, coz this is gonna be a lonngggg post..

Now come by insane theories..

~Mob Behaviour

...End Of class , chapter 101
lesson learnt : A monkey , when isolated became human (this will also be brought up in next class : evolution)...

~Mirroring
too much to summerise, so just read it :)

~The opposite Sex

....Friends :- who will not leave you even if they wont understand you, Lovers :- who wont need to understand you, because they know and feel the same way as you and the others in between , who understand and comfort you!....

~The Perfect Life

...Life is how we see it , and i dont want it to be perfect, just not rude :).

~Being Truly Alone

....What if your crying out for help,
is replied just by your echos ?
What if everything ,that you thought was going for you, isnt ?
What if you look into yourself
and see nothing but a hole!!??
How can such a void be filled ?
How can a he be truly happy ?
Tom hanks had a volley ball on the island, what does he have ??..

~Inspiration

...You might have risen due to ambition, but without inspiration you fall, and fall hard...

thats the Freak-y side of me.., the one with ideas and thoughts..

Cant bring out much from x-plode and weird encounters , they are memories, memories dont have punch lines... so read them all..

and then there is the collective, each of it, i claim to myself, is a wonder.. a wonder how i got to write em..

~True Love

.."Dont love a person just because he/she has the qualities you love, but also take your time to be sure that he/she doesnt have those features that you hate"..

~Right Time

so what is the right time to marry you ask ? well it is the time when u feel that you can be by yourself no matter what the future can throw at you. It is when you feel that everything is falling into place, except for that one last hole that hasnt yet filled up. It is when u realise that you are ready. Not when you are told you are, But when YOU REALISE THAT YOU ARE!

~Status Quo

...Older generations were ok with it, Let us not be the same...

~Men V/s Women

..."Men or Women are not better than thier opposite sex. We are simply different from them. and there will always be a few from the other side who will be better than us. And we have to live with it"...

Thats it. these are my best works, and the parts that u see below the title are the excrepts from the post that i think drove home the whole idea.. mostly it was the last line(s) of the post. which makes me to believe that i end my posts really really well :P. so that it folks.

15 posts that i really like from over 60 that i do have..

not a bad count, and am self satisfied. ego dun want no more. (still trying to figure it out, can u call it an ego, if it dun want no more..) i recommend people reading thier own thoughts.. its therapeutic..

July 6th

2006-07-06T11:51:00.000-07:00

First things first..

Wish you a very happy birthday Sush,
wherever on earth you are..

Well , about sush.. hmm.. what do i say about her, I am told calling a person an online friend can be a bit demeaning sometimes. but this is where i have met her over 2 years ago, and still is one of the closest friends i ever had. Has this nasty nack of bringing out all my secrets, just sniffs out trouble.. wonder what she was in her past life..

And a classic example of people complementing each other, sharing completely different views about almost all of the stuff we talked about, we still survived. survived through the stupid fights, ignoring each other for a while :p, and yet knowing fairly well when the other person is feeling or doing.. now that for me is a good friendship ;) not only the sweet stories, but also the soar ones.. Always being for each other..

hmm.. those days gone now..
I miss you sush :(( miss being called stoooopid, and me calling u idiot :((. where the hell are u anyways. 4 months is a long long time to be gone.. well come back some time when u see this..

6 months.
6 months since i have known this other friend of mine. dont know how much she would like me putting her name over here, so not mentioning that part. if there was a competetion for the fastest grown friendships, this wud have to be it :). cpl of days is all that took to get to know enough to open up. open those parts of our lives that wud otherwise be shut and ignored..

Talking about sush, she reminds me of her :). havent seen sush live, but from her pics i can guess they both weigh almost the same :P. they think alike.. unlike me.. now makes me wonder, if i do need a person in my life, that needs to keep me in check, constantly debating the attitude that i have towards life. If not for them , may be i wud end up being more broken than i actually am.. and something in me wants me to believe that i do the same for them ;)

two good friends, both with similar personalities (mentally and physically :P), two persons that i can not forget in my life..

oh, happy july 6th for me ;)

Insanity Rocks

2006-06-27T20:14:00.000-07:00

Quoted by, none other than the ultimate genius , Albert Einstein.

Going by the things i have done in my life, i ought to be called insane for most of the things i have been doing since i turned 4 (or even less , but i wudnt remember)

~ Like every time i make a wisecrack at my brother
and i expect him not to have a GREAT come back( and he always does )

~ Every semester that i study harder, to better my previous %ge,
knowing from experience that i'ld fail to do so (my %ge graph is steeper than mount k2)

~Testing my memory at every damn important situation i have come across in my life,
fully knowing that it is most unreliable.

~Trying to emulate thinner mortals, fully knowing i out weigh them
more than 60% of thier weight ( and in the process get humiliated)

~Try to "write" neatly, painfully aware that i have been trying to do that
since i turned 4, and failed a million times or more

~Wonder about my creative skills, and draw the ONE face
(that i can, rather badly) over and over again, and see if it looks any different.

also in urban dictionary, there was another meaning, which went somewhat like this

insanity is :
"Doing something that 'uncool' and 'weird' and not caring about it" -- Some Dude.

probably means, going against the establishes society, and doing what ever ~!#$%^& shit you want to, without caring what the rest of "WHOEVER" thinks.

i know that i am pretty close.
i know that, i cant think quicker than my brother, but i try anyway
i know that, the harder i study, the harder i fall , but i do that anyway
i know that, my memory sux and is super selective, but i use it anyway
i know that, i am way way over weight, but i emulate anyway
i know that, no1 cares abt handwriting, but i try to write neatly anyway
i know that, I CANT DRAW, yet i sketch anyways

of the millions, these are the few that i have thought of at 2 in the early hours of 20th june 2006.

I am Insane
and I am loving it.
-- Insanity Rocks

June 24th

2006-06-23T17:26:00.000-07:00

It began at midnight when couple of his college friends brought him over to nikkis place , where the rest of us were waiting. and then it continued for atleast 1hr - 90 mins.
if you are wondering what it was, well it wasnt the surprise party that lasted that long but the kicking session, kicked his ass, punched his arms, bursted baloons by crushing them between our fists and VARIOUS parts of his body, and yeah we figure that he cant move for a week. was fun :)

made him open his gifts (alas, none of them were mine..) irritated him, and asked him to punch down a punching bag, which he couldnt do. (err.. he was gifted a boxing kit, including the 4 ft bag) then we beat him up again just coz we wanted to :p and more crap :D

ofcourse then we moved downstairs, where the fun continued, there awaited the screen and the lcd projector that was hired for a day!! to show a movie (home made) about him and just him, containing messages from his family and friends. (messages included all the abuses that we can shell out at this guy, and then the sweet ones, how much he means to us and stuff :O ) well, the movie had nothing to with me, except for the fact that i made an appearance for couple of times, not lasting more than 5 minutes, everything put together. nevertheless good movie.

so if ur wondering what i did for my friends bday ? well i just was there, kicked his ass, kicked other parts other than his ass. slapped him when i said happy birthday (So that he wudnt forget)lifted the punching bag and rammed it into him, hit him with a bat, slapped him on his neck, pulled his hair, hit him with cake and more stuff that i dont remember.

I was just there for him. was that enough? dont know. he didnt mind. he doesnt mind , i know him. (i have gifted only once in my life, that was one month ago on priya's persuassion to gift nikki..)

then just the three of us (los tres amigos) hung out for a while, and had a talk.

and then we came back home. that was it, priyas birthday till now.

after seeing the rest of his friends, and what they did for him, made me wonder am i a good enough friend ? am i worth it ? made me jealous , may be even envy thier relationship.

No, that was not it, he keeps coming back to me :) , even with such great friends he has, he still has time for me. Simply the best friend i have. love u ra

Wish you a rocking 21st birthday bhe.
(his name is priyakanth, have a habit of calling him priya ;) )
if u ever see this, forget what ur feeling right now when u leave the computer;)

Also

happy birthday dad
he turns 53 today. i dont have much of a close relationship with him. so all that we exchanged was a hand shake. but its weird when on his birthday he gets a handshake and on mine i get the money i need to throw parties..

and also
happy birthday tarun, staff , ravinder and the girl i know from msn.
tarun and staff (ravi kiran) are my collegemates
ravinder is a friend from school
and the girl i know from msn is so shy that she wont tell me her real name..

Simpsons

2006-06-23T02:47:00.000-07:00

well.. one of my favourite cartoons, if not the best one :p
and err well, wanna quote some of thier hillarious dialogs , the best i ever sawed :p

EXPECT REGULAR UPDATES

first situation, homer trying to teach bart facts of life

homer : Do you know why Me and your mom sleep on the same bed ?
bart : Because we are poor!?
homer : Exactly! and we are poor because we have kids..

(and then he goes on to explain about how kids are born, which isnt shown :p but this is damn hillarious :D )

More to come soon..

SOOO many blogs

2006-06-01T15:10:00.000-07:00

why do u have so many blogs ?
frankly i have no clue. but the reason i keep telling myself is that i dont want different parts of my life mixing up with each other. and sometimes i also tell myself that i rather have some posts with a black background, while for some, i do love to have white..

well this is the actual story about how it all began.

I created an id way back in february 2005, before i even read any blogs. Thought of creating a blog, but that never materialised. and after my entry into orkut, i started reading some pretty interesting posts. that was in june 2005. and then i HAD to have a blog, where i can update regularily. and hence created another id (unaware of the original one that i already had.) and started posting there. (err.. forget about the rediff one which i deleted sometime ago, that was just a copy of this one)so i had one by august 2005.

http://freak-y.blogspot.com my first blog

here i let go of my inner feelings, a few of them posts have a story behind them. some of them obvious, others not so much.

and then sometime later, i started one more for the adventures of me and my friends, which incedentally became my funny blog. it isnt always funny to everybody, but atleast some people think so some of the times :)

http://q-factor.blogspot.com my funny blog

and then i remembered that i had another id, the one i created earlier, and then started this very blog

http://x-plode.blogspot.com my personal log

which i am using as my journal , but the number of posts tell a sick story. i suck at journalising my life.

and then there was this collective blog i started, an idea that sparked off when i was having a chatting session with my online friend and my best sis :D swetha. and i can hopefully say that its doing moderately ok. and that would be
http://thinking-souls.blogspot.com the collective

and then there were 3 more
one for me and my best friends http://yeh-dosti.blogspot.com
one which is supposed to be a photo blog, but havent done anything yet http://freak-gallery.blogspot.com
and another one for the good chat conversations that i may have :) http://fatalsilence.blogspot.com

and so there ya go peeps who wanna know the story about the number of blogs i possess
and for convenience sake, i took out the blogs from my profile that i dont update much. so when u do check my profile, u only see the ones i am regular at :)

and i havent really answered the question have i! why ?
well..
i blog when i am emotional, or really have to put something down in words.
and i dont want to mix up those two.
freak-y always has been very pure to me. straight from my heart, and will always be the same.
i dont want to mix my heart and mind, want to keep a contrast. will not lose that no matter what i do about others.

and since i havent been blogging regularily, and to avoid a bloggers block, i decided that this one will be my punch bag, so that i dont lose my way of blogging, and freak-y will be there, when i do have a sudden burst of thought from my heart..

Favourite Movies : Cr , AN - (tel)

2006-05-29T15:14:00.000-07:00

intro
I personally hate all movies. I make a point to see the only "hit" movies and then hate them personally for them being not up to what i expected them to be.

Crash
So much has been said about it (by those I term intelligent), So much has been shown on TV, So much has been written in reviews (both in blogs and in the news papers), and yet it was what I have expected and more. That should say a lot about this movie. (For further doubts refer to intro)
Though i couldnt make it to the theater to see it , the dvd was just good enough (or the dvd rip rather :P). a movie that i shall remember for the better part of my life, a movie that i will recommend to anyone who can think in more ways than one, a movie that i recommended my brother (i DONT recommend him english movies, we have a conflict of interest there). Simply good.
All those who think knowing the story spoils the fun read no further, but i tell you that this movie is an exception.

a movie with the following plots running simultanously
-- a white couple getting thier car stolen
-- a couple of extremely opinionated robbers (black)
-- a cop whose mom hates him because he wont help his brother (black)
-- a cop who thinks how racism works (white)
-- a cop who harasses a woman (black)
-- a (black) man who is a buddhist
-- a wife hating her husband for not standing up
-- a black person who thinks they are opressed
-- a black person who thinks that they arent (any more)
-- a white lady hating every non white person
-- a district attorney trying to please everyone
-- a father working harder to afford a safer place for her daughter.
-- a persian buying a gun for protection against racists, and his daughter urging him not to.
-- a chinese guy who is run over.

and then all thier beliefs are turned upside down
-- the racist cop harasses and saves the same woman
-- the buddist tries to act black to gain respect
-- the dude who believes that he is opressed, saves 20 ppl from slavery
-- the cop helps out his brother only to find him dead the very night
-- the white lady knowing that color doesnt mean shit. people do.
-- the cop who think he knows all kills a black guy in pure act of racism
-- the dude who thinks racism doesnt exist gets killed
-- the dad, who moves to better part of town , has his daughter shot at
-- the persian knowing that violence is not the answer
-- the harassed woman knowing that good and bad can co-exist
-- the rescued chinese guy turning out to be a smuggler.

and doing all that with minimum cast, and showing how each persons life revolved around the others...

a movie which talks about the basic human instinct to hate something that we do not know or understand, and to do it so beautifully, i salute the writer and director whoever they are. and the actors too, for pulling it off so well.

No Right and Wrong , Just Circumstance.

Aa Naluguru (telugu)
The only movie that i can say makes me proud that its made in telugu. (and hopefully not any other language before, if it was please let me know..). Well there have been many watchable movies in telugu in the recent past, none of them keeping me interested through the whole movie. and this was it, sadly i couldnt see the whole movie in a go, so had to see it twice. missing parts both times, but seeing the whole movie, the parts put together.

Simple story , man lives his life with his ideals. changes them for his kids. commits suicide of shame. sees that not many care about him. feels the pain that there arent even 4 people who can lay him to rest.slowly shows how his life went on. his inspiration. his benefactors. his blood (sons) cheating. his money greedy friend (or brother ?). total chaos. total pain. then realisation. all his pain was not in vain. acknowledgement. hell or heaven, state of mind.
all this from a dead mans perspective.
the story in itself gets a 9.5/10 for its simplicity.
but in the wrong hands could have been BAD. like many great stories in telugu.
Rajendraprasad,kota sreenivasrao,prabhakar rao were just excellent :)

awaiting for such another movie in telugu..

Favourite Movies 01 : SL , LiB

2006-05-29T15:01:00.000-07:00

this is actually the first post i made in this blog, editing it a little and posting it again.
being the first post out here, obviously looks nervous, seems unlike me..

Schindler's List
First of all, let me start of by saying that there are very few movies that truly depict the reality.And fewer are ever heard of, and liked by the masses.I saw the movie "schindler's list" recently, it was a big movie, having sat through the first half of the movie which showed how this guy made money out of nothing,it was well worth waiting till the end. The true nature of the suffereing, fear, hope,uncertainity of the jews, and the conditions of thier "CAMPS" was truly captured. if anyone who is intelligent enough sees the movie , he would put himself in the shoes of the millions of the jews that were killed in the war.and he would have learnt the worst that humanity can offer, and persumably, would hope and try to prevent it from happening again.This is one of very few movies that truly moved me.(Believe me, my friends say i am worse than the worst of film critics!!).What i loved about the movie was, a person who at the beginning of the movie,wants nothing more than money, uses his position and money to protect as many people as he can, and then sustain them.and then at the end introspects, and is heartbroken that he could have saved more lives but didnt.But the reality is, there were a lot more people in his era who could have helped, who wanted to help but couldnt. They sat back "thinking" about how to help, rather than doing what they can. And even more number of people who didnt even bother.Makes you wonder, what if, what if a few more people offered help, offered money or whatever they could have, what if there were a few dozen "schindlers"

Life Is Beautiful (La Vita e Bella)
One more movie that nearly made me cry was "Life is beautiful" by the italian director-actor Roberto Benigni. I dont know whether to call his movie a comedy (because majority of the movie has comic elements in it ) or to call it a tragedy (as it ends in a trajic note, the male lead being shot at the very end of the movie).Although this movie was based on the same theme,the suffering of jews in the war, This movie was wonderful for a completley different reason, not for showing the nature , but the way the father protects his 8 year old son from the reality of the tragic situation that they are in.The way he makes his son believe that it is all a game they are competing in.The way he gives hope that something beautiful awaits them at the end of it all.And the hardships that they were going through were only temporary, because that is what it takes to win.

Afterall, isnt life a game, just like the lead actor in the movie put it ?arent we after something that we really crave for? arent we all thinking about the same thing "it will be over someday, and then we will be happy again".Who could ever have thought that a movie can make u think about such a profound meaning of life, and how people manage thier lives in the times of tragedy!!

anyways, this is just the start, i wanted to talk abt how this movies reflected a really tragic moments of human history. and if i this were to happen again, be sure i will not be one of those who didnt do anything.

Remainder : Indifference

2006-05-14T16:03:00.000-07:00

Indifference Works.
But ..
Realise sometimes that you are supposed to feel something which you dont.
Dont want your heart broken, You end up not using it, sometimes losing it.
Dont want to shed tears, You end up being called inhuman.
Dont want to feel the agony, Forget about the pride of victory.
Dont want to be sad, you are not happy afterward.
Live life as you want; Consequences you face alone
Once through the process, you know what you went through.
If you want to try it again sometime, just remember your the following line.
Beware of what you want.

Note :- This is just a remainder to me. My recent revelations to myself. I am not preaching for anyone. Just putting them in here, in case i am back to my old habit

Where the hell is nikki

2006-04-26T23:43:00.000-07:00

Abbe nikki..

idi choosaka aina vachi kalisi savu. edava. 2 weeks ayyindi kalisi!!!

and yeah he did it again, sunday kalusta ani cheppadu fone kuda cheyyaledu. Same with priya, called him up. He was three and half hours away in Nirmal.

when will the fools realise to inform me, before giving haath :((.

report # 1

towards the end of the college days, priya seems to be missing his friends (maxos and eleven :O) already. And is trying to spend each and every moment with them or atleast every moment he can :P. Enjoy bhe

Nikki, mastered the art of invisibility. Often does that when the exams approach. repu exams ayyaka vachi kalisi chavu. Matladukuni chala rojulaindi. Dont know what this fellow is going through at the end of engg life. Like i said, He is practically invisible!!

And as of me, dont miss college. dont miss my college friends. miss these two more than the ones at college!!. even though i wont be seeing them(college mates) much from now on.

P.S. :- if i am found dead within 24 hrs of this post, i would like to make a statement. The chances that priya has killed me are 9 in 10 and the other 10% would be nikki killing me :).

also edavallara edokati post cheyyadi ra!!

Introspection of a bored mind

2006-04-21T02:08:00.000-07:00

this has become embarassing, blogging about myself only when i am bored???or should it be i talk about myself even when i am bored ?? anyways, it is like this, i am bored and an idle brain as they say is the devils workshop. guess the devil is busy, so he let me do my own introspection and i dont like what i think is happening to me.

First of all I am bored, which is not something that happens to me a lot. well i lied, i get bored very easily. i get bored when i dont like talking abt something. i get bored when people wont let me utilise my brain, or atleast parts of it. I get bored when there is no one around. to counter all of these, i keep myself entertained by thinking about many different things and coming up with different theories. well about everything. and people who kow me well enough will definitely tell you that i am a curious person. (well that is an understatement. even a person who knows me for 5 minutes will understand i have a questionnaire ready for every situation).

The theories, they vary. They vary from physics to psychology to everything else that has a name. Sometimes my brother helps my by coming up with weirder ideas than i have, but those are rare occassions. But one thing that i am most interested in is people, why and how they are the way they are. the reason is I am mostly wrong and wont stop until i get most of them right, which in iteself can take a life time.

and sometimes, the people is just me and how i deal with them. and thats when the introspection part comes in.Thinking of the topic, i havent started talking abt the actual introspection yet. damn.. ok here it goes

Mostly I think about my principles, are they right are they wrong, or are they being used at the right time!aaah whatever, i just want to start rating my self based on some qualities that i might or might not have. so here i go..

Curiousity : still am as every bit as curious as i wish i was. this is what has made me, well the most of me. dont want to lose it. never want to go low on it. But want to divert it away from unwanted areas, such as personal lives of people. Hard thing to do but i would like to achieve a balance between being curious and intrusive.
so..

Curious : 10/10 (just perfect)
Intrusive : 4/10 (wud love to make it a 1) (negative aspect)
overall : 6/10

Achiever : still havent achieved most of the things i could. Been able to do couple of things right, but then that is not enough to make my day. I am a hard man to please, and i dont please myself with what i have been able to do. sad thing is, i dont care as much as before when i do fail. always say its gonna be better the next time. hmm.. got to change that.

Achievements : 4/10 (would love to see atleast an 8 within 2 years)
Failures : 7/10 (have to bring it down to a 2 atleast) (negative aspect)
Overall : -3/10

Friend : now this is interesting. not because i have so many friends to talk about, but because the behavior towards them i have shown recently. I disgust myself sometimes, I am proud of being a good friend to others. Karma, which i dont believe much has hit me in the face. telling me i deserve what i do. but now that makes me farther from quite a number of people. few of them , i myself stay away from. and a few others who choose to do the same to me. I feel bad for being treated differently, but am indifferent when treating others differntly. am i a hypocrite ? i dunno but i am what i am. and hence would rate myself as below

Friend : 6/10 (would love for it to go to a 8 :) )

Family : havent been a good son (technically) yet. wud love to prove people wrong. but if i were to rate myself, i am treating my family same as everybody else. but ppl say family is supposed to be closer, i wudnt know , right now dont care. would have to see what i do about it in the future. and about being a brother ? hmm.. bossing my brother around more than usual :p and he does the same to me. good times :D. anyways its no different now than ever. always close to each other.ok the rating

Son / Brother : 7/10 (fair enough)

Thinker-Philosopher-writer:i think very much , thank you. Really have a lot of ideas. This is one aspect of me that has come up very recently. and i am proud that it isnt half bad. dont care what others think, it is really relieving me. relieving me of many tensions i have had. would say good. Hence

Me the intellectual : 8/10 (too nice)

Laziness : darn. i still havent gotten over this. one hell of a thing that i shud get over, and still have no luck. i dont do things that i wish to do. may be others contribute too, but its mostly laziness. Hence

Laziness : -2/10

Confidence : have enough of it most of the times, and it overflows to arrogance sometimes. would love to build a dam and control the flow :p . but then again, a barrier wud mean i am not confident of controlling my self :-? now this is confusing . i will have to sort it out..
anyways giving myself a 5

Confidence : 5/10

Sense Of Humour : have loads of it. laugh at myself most of the times. well 90 times out of hundred i do so. the 10 remaining times i am pissed off, and once in those ten times i might hit you. so beware :) ;).

Humour : 8.5/10

and what else do i have left as my qualities ?? dont remember now, but when i do remember them i will surely add them to the list. anyways, now me not so bored anymore. took me 3 times as saving it as draft and abt 5 hrs in total to finish this. i was doing other stuff too na :).

ok the overall rating ?? 36.5/80 so i am about 45.625% of what i wish i was :). not bad, i am half the man i want to be :D

50 questions 50 answers

2006-04-09T02:08:00.000-07:00

Thanks to Sameera for making me post the longest tag posts ever :((

1. Were you named after anyone?
NO, I am the first :D. Have you ever heard of a person named pavan kumar :P. see i really am the first!

2. Do you wish on stars?
I dont understand the question. so NO

3. When did you last cry?
When I wasnt able to cry @ farewell, i was so sad that i was emotionless that i cried at myself.

4. Do you like your handwriting?
If you can call it handwriting, then yeah

5. What is your favourite meat?
Any sea food.

6. What is your most embarrassing CD on your shelf?
I dont have cds, always have music on my computer.

7. If you were another person, would YOU be friends with you?
No, Two geniuses never get along well with each other :D

8. Are you a daredevil?
I dont jump of bridges wearing a parachute, but i can call myself a daredevil in a few aspects.

9. How do you release anger?
I yell a lot

10. Where is your second home?
Are you kidding me, why wud i need a second home :O

11. Do you trust others easily?
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

12. What was your favourite toy(s) as a child?
Dont remember it was quite some time ago. i think it was trains

13. What class in school/college do you think is totally useless?
geography, i learnt more of it after school than when in it.

14. Do you use sarcasm a lot?
Sarcasm, what is it :O?

15. Have you ever been in a mosh pit?
Been in it , but never moshed. Guess i was moshed though :O

16. What do you look for in a girl?
Intelligence,fun and ah well just look at this and this

17. Would you bungee jump?
I dont think i would be within the limits

18. Do you untie your shoes when you take them off?
No. I dont wear often anyways.

19. What's your favourite ice cream?
anything but chocholate flavoured. I simply love ice-creams...

20. What are your favourite colours?
Blue and then Black and then Red

21. What are your least favourite things?
Can you call a hypocrite a thing ?

22. How many people do you have a crush on right now?
three?? i ask my friends to try and help me figure out :D

23. Who do you miss most right now?
Right now Sushma, she is busy studying. Dudette, do ur exams well and leave a mesage sometime

24. What are you listening to right now?
Iron Maiden - aces high

25. If you were a crayon, what colour would you be?
Brown.

26. What is the weather like right now?
Love the hot weather, except the nights when its so damn humid

27. Last person you talked to on the phone?
Jags

28. The "first" thing you notice about the opposite sex?
Face ofcourse.

29. Do you like the person who sent you this?
Yeah, she is insane and i like insane ppl :D

30. How are you today?
Irritated, thats why me blogging to cool myself down

31. Favourite non alcoholic drink?
Mountain dew, and anyone teasing me will go to hell

32. Favourite alcoholic drink?
Vodka, and anyone teasing me will go to hell

33. Natural hair colour?
Black.

34. Eye colour?
Black.

35. Wear contacts?
No, i love looking geeky

36. Siblings?
V.J. (vijay). younger brother. He is just plain crazy and i love him

37. Favourite month?
May, yeah i am INSANE

38. Favourite food?
SEA FOOOOOOOD , any sea food :D

39. Favourite day of the year?
I would love to say a day, but guess its my birthday...

40. Have you ever been too shy to ask someone out?
Yeah. Still am. Would appreciate girls taking the first move. :D

41. Scary movies or happy endings?
scary movies with happy endings would be fun :).

42. Summer or winter?
Summer B-)

43. Holi or Diwali?
Diwali

44. Do you like your name?
yeah ofcourse, if i cant love my name what else cud i love :D

45. What book/magazine are you reading?
I was reading some book, I dont remember the name... yeh deception point and read a few pages of atlas shrugged

46. What's on your mouse pad?
a horse on a jockey.. err i meant a jockey on a horse, where do ppl find this kind of crap :O (it wasnt me who bought the mouse pad)

47. What did you watch on TV last night?
I did not watch tv last night.

48. Favourite Smell?
Smell of rain in the summer and then petrol :D

49. Have you ever regretted breaking up with someone?
I wish i had the chance, but never been in a relationshio :'(

50. Most tiresome thing you’ve ever experienced/done?
trekking for 5 hours. Yeah I TREKKED.

so there you go people thats one hell of a list!

and for all ye tag enthusiasts over there i tag thee. I dont want to embarass myself by mentioning ppls names who are not going to post no matter what :D.

anyways ciao...

Four Years

2006-04-04T12:16:00.000-07:00

4 years ago,
we met as strangers
4 years of fun,
we all have had
4 years life,
we all have shared
as strangers we met,
we leave as friends.

all this joy and all this pain,
without you my friend,
wont be the same ever again

Never knew i could get senti about leaving college. But there I was, trying my hand at poetry (bad it may be, tis my piece of crap. not urs :D). Really appreciate the college/juniors taking so much care into the farewell event!! a banner to have our quotes and grafitti on!! comment boxes, whose content is going to be published in the book that they give out on farewell day... Hmm.. then again, may be others do the same too. I woudlnt know, never gave a farewell myself. Privilaged to be from the first batch from our college. But i always thought i would be ok leaving my friends, based on the connectivity of internet and groups and stuff. Never knew even such an event as small as this (dynamic though it was), cud move me so much!! well the rest of the day was cool enough in itself, photo sessions. hundreds of pics taken with friends.hmm.. awaiting farewell day, lemme see how thats gonna turn out..

A convo that made my day

2006-03-24T13:01:00.000-08:00

A friend of mine gave me one of the best compliments i have recieved all my life. She said "a girl wont let you go; provided that she is smart enough". that was yesterday but she wouldnt tell me why she said that until today. But before we got there, somehow i ended up speaking about how hard it wud be for me to find a woman, let alone thinking about her leaving me. and when questionned why i thought it was hard, I said that maybe my expectations are too high. And then we had this long chat session, where i ended up revealing what are the qualities I want in a girl, and then some...here is a part of the conversation we had...

Her: sare kaani manam ekkadoo aagipoyam indaka:p

Me: yeah naaku nache ammayi ela undali ani b-)

Me: nenu chepte bagodu kani :-?

Me: nvvu cheppu

Me: naa taste ela untundo :p

Me: guess cheyyi

Her: nuvvu chepthene bavuntundi:p

Her: cheppu vinta

Me: 1)intelligent :D

Me: telivi annavu choodu :p

Her: ammayilu intelligentaa:o

Me: undarantava ?

Her: undarehe:p

Me: anthaa burra less candidates antava:->

Her: intelliladies untaru:p

Her: intelligents undaru:p

Me: ohh

Me: aite

Me: intel-lady :p

Her: ok

Her: next

Me: 2)sense of humour :p

Her: next

Me: ee rendu unte batikesta b-)

Me: elaborate chese opika ledu

Her: niku deniki oopika undada:p

Her: chi

Me: ippudu lede

Me: ivala ekkado chadivane :p

Me: secret to a good relation ship :--

Me: find a person who has a good sense of humour

Me: one who is intelligent

Me: one who u find attractive

Me: and most importantly

Me: make sure that these three peopl dont find about each other :p

Her: :))

Her: sarele

Her: nuvem ekkuva expect cheyyatledu

Her: ammayilu expect chesedentoo telisthe asalu niku aa doubtee radu:p

Me: osey these are just top layers :p

Me: inka deep level ki pothe chala unnayi b-)

Her: kaani niku oopika ledu anthe kada:p

Me: sare chepta vinu

Me: neeku kabatti cheptunna :p

Her: cheppu

Me: same nalage, i mean mentally :p undakoodadu :D

Me: rather undala :-?

Me: emo idi confusion lo unna

Me: mothaniki aite, challenging ga undali :(

Me: lekunte easy ga bore kodatadi :

Her: next

Me: ok next coming point

Me: chuttu pakkala vallu edo anukuntaru ani istam leni panlu cheyatam, istam unna panlu maneyatam cheyakudadu

Her: next

Me: independent ga undali. konni sarlu naku nachakapovachu kani undali :p

Her: next

Me: ok elaborating the above point

Me: naa meeda depend avvalsi vastundi prati daniki anna feeling undakudadu :)

Me: ippudu next

Me: ok ?

Her: ok

Me: next aneha :p

Her: next:p

Me: ika alochinchali :-?

Me: ok ofcourse idi andariki avasaram anuko, nannu artham cheskovali :P.

Her: next

Me: hyderbad ni emi anoddu :

Her: =))

Her: hyderabad ni emanodda=))

Her: idem condition

Me: yeah :p

Me: adanthe

Her: sare next

Me: alochistunna

Me: inka anni trivial points gurthostunnayi ra

Her: hmm

Her: ippatidaka aithe koncham ekkuve unay mari:p

Her: hyd ni emi anodda@-)

Me: adi last condition le vo :p

Me: ante ippudu evarikaina tie aite ala chestam anna mata :D

Her: :))

Her: ni bondha

Me: okok inko point gurthochindi b-)

Me: important :p

Me: evari time vallaki undalani decide kavali

Me: everyday kakapoyina once a week ;)

Me: navvake

Her: sare:)

Her: navvanule

Her: anthena inka emina unnaya?

Me: ade alochistunna :p

Her: ok

Me: ok idi matram ippude gurthochindi :p

Me: anumanapu vyadhi nahi chahiye :D

Her: :))

Her: luv mariiii ekkuvipothe matram thapadu niku:p

Me: anthe antava ?

Her: anthe

Me: hmm

Me: chuddam :p

Her: yeah chuddam

Her: sare ippudu kuda chepthunna

Her: divorce isthe nuvve ivvali:p

Her: adithe ivvadu

Me: :))

Me: sare

Me: enduko cheppesko :d

Her: abbbooo

Her: cheppala

Her: :p

Me: please

Her: :))

Her: ammayilu first expect chesedi respect

Me: ok

Her: enthamandi abbayilu ammayilaki respect istharantav?

Her: feelings ki respect istharantav?

Me: avanni nenu gaurantee istunna, ika mundu kooda ista ani decide ayyava :O

Her: enti avanni=))

Her: asalu avanni ento telusa neku

Me: avanni kadule kani

Me: respect :)

Her: yeah

Her: isthunav kada

Her: ivvatleda:o

Me: ante alochinchaledu specific ga :

Her: ahe ivvatledu anna nenu nammanu

Her: ade chepthunna mari

Her: edoo peru kosam isthunna ante isthunna anattu kadu

Her: hmm

Her: ekkuva lepithe feelaipothavle

Me: sare original thanx :D

Her: taggu

Her: :p

and as u can see, truly the best compliment i have had in quite some time, and i gladly accepted it because it made my day. And for once i will be sleeping happily which i havent done in a WHILE!!

Changed Perception

2006-03-22T02:28:00.000-08:00

I read this article, the fairer sex , a few days ago. Written by Trinity Teal , just a couple of days after the women's day, it discusses extensively about various kinds of abuse that women go through, and the statistics provided for the same.

After reading that , I thought to myself "why do women keep going on about isolated incidents that happen once in a blue moon!". Its not like i am not sympathetic with the woes of women, I really was sorry for all those women who have been through hell, some of them living to talk about it others not so fortunate. But I guess the "guy" inside me didnt want to live in the reality where it kept reminding me that the world isnt as rosy as I think it is. So I did something very foolish. I was mad that abuse against women was showed to be rising, where the actual fact was that the crime in general was increasing. I pointed out this fact to her and was kinda annoyed because women keep talking about gender inequality/injustice. I never realised how wrong I was from the actual facts, and how naive i was to think i knew how the society is right now.

A week later I read this ,Silent Tears. Speechless. Then shocked to find that what i thought as isolated incedents were rampant all over the place. A perception changed from the core, "a belief that women felt safe, except for the unlucky few who have had encounters with the scum of the society. The scum represneting the miniscule minority, not representative of the whole." The whole idea, totally wrong. I couldnt believe what I just read, so went on and asked a few other friends, who kept confirming what Ron has already said. And when I asked them why they could not talk about it, Simply because they CANT talk about it. An idea that I can not understand totally from where I am standing, and its hard to step into the shoes of the women who have gone through so much.

Every girl I questioned was surprised that I didnt know, but how could I? No one ever talks about it, and No one ever likes to talk about it. and if someone has to say something about it, no one is there to listen to them. But whats saddest part about it is, The filmy stereotype of the sufferer. Everything done to find sympathy from the observers, they never go on to show the real ugliness of the society. Not knowing what to do , not many speak out. Even a good friend of mine who I asked if this is true, she suddenly went into a bad mood. On enquiring she said it was something that she cant talk about. and later said that "She was brave enough to come out and speak about it, I am not (referring to the article which i showed her)". Now this is a girl who talks to me about all kinds of stuff, the joys and sorrows of her life. But not that "locked up" part of her life.

Overcoming the stereotype, The bias against them, The painful memories is too hard for most of the women, And For coming out and speaking about and Being brave enough to take the world head on, I really admire u Ron. Well done girl.

For once I am ashamed to be associated with the same scum with regard to gender. For once I am ashamed to be in the same city , same country as those bastards. For once I am truly sad to be a Man, a hyderabad, an Indian, A human. None of those identities gives me any solace knowing now what is going on around the world...

Happy Birthday Ron!!

2006-03-10T11:32:00.000-08:00

First of all lemme wish you a very happy birthday,

WISH YOU A VERY HAPPY BIRTHDAY

and then think of all the things I have to say about you...
umm well, i aint poetic or comical, so lemme just come out straight :D

She is the one of the most insanest, wittiest,
Intelligent & comical person one can ever know.
and I would easily be seconded by anyone else who knows her!!

Known u for almost an year , and it has been great fun..
Keep up the good work, and try to be a bit more insane ,
These days na u seem to have lost a bit of it ;)

Anyways, HAVE A BLAST!!
Good luck turning 21 :)
and lemme sign off by saying
Keep smiling and making others do the same..

yeh - dosti : los tres amigos

2006-03-09T23:44:00.000-08:00

Hmm.. Is that right spanish ? well if you dont speak spanish, or if you do speak spanish and still dont know what it means, It says (or I hope it says) "THREE FRIENDS" which ofcourse would be me (freak-y,aka pavan, aka goda, aka paku, aka the insane), Priyakanth(aka puppy , aka ROMIO, aka the bad) and ofcourse the good one nikk (aka nikhil).

Err.. we really were trying to hold our smiles..
How it all began ? good question to ask, because it is all so hazy. but we really hit it off after schoo, ie after we turned 16 :) . although we knew each other way before that time, we needed time to bond and well, now u cant seperate us :D. If you are going to disprove my claim, well go ahead but dont make any bets :P because you would end up alone and broke ;). anyways this is the first blog, kinda sparked off today when we (me and pup) were visiting nikks home. Long time since the three of us met, well to be precise it has been a week :P it was when priya left for goa, and returned today with some weird gifts, but good ones at that (a knife for me , which i am going to use to kill this psycho :P) and then congratulating nikki hyderbadi style, for his selection @ wipro (abbe nikki, still awaiting the party ra!!) aur kya baat hai ??? abhi tho yaad nahi hai yaar, yaad kar ke bataoonga :) . and to see what we think of each other just see these links Best Friends by me and My Friends by priya the only reason that nikks name isnt appering in the above links is that the fool hasnt started blogging yet! NIKK, get ur lazy ass moving dude!!

p.s. : Telugu lo blog choodutaku vache post varaku vechi undandi :P

My Family : 21 years of living with them

2006-03-02T12:06:00.000-08:00

Everyone has thier good times and rough times with thier parents. And I had my fair share of both the good and the bad times.It has been 21 years since I started living with them, and It hasnt been easy. well atleast not since i turned into what the parents dreadfully call a "TEENAGER". But I am through that now, and what have i reaslied ? Well here it goes

Me the Toddler
All of it began when a 11 pound baby was born somewhere in hyderabad, well it wasnt the twins that they were expecting, but they were happy to see a healthy baby.(A HUGE ONE AT IT) ofcourse it was me, thier first child and you know how the first children are, loved and pampered. until the second one is born :p Then its just the loving no more pamparing :D. So this went on fore 20 months, when I was THE adorable kid, as , from my mothers side I was the first grand child to my grand parents. and from my fathers side, I was the grandchild after almost a decade. Being THE KID from both the sides of the family, I was left to do whatever I wanted to do. As I am told , My curiousity isnt something that i picked up while i grew up, but it was something I had right from childhood. God bless my mom and the neighbours who put up with all the questions I asked (or rather I am told so..) And then the brother factor came in :P.. which would obviously be upsetting for any kid and i seemed to take it pretty well. I played with him , called his name so that hed run to me. And ofcourse, being the younger one he looked up to me...GREAT TIMES!!

Me the kid
Then the times changed, I wasnt just a small kid around the house, but a kid that had to attend school by the age of 4 [four!!?? insane i say :(( why cant we have more time :( ]. Well anyways, this was the time I turned out to be the big bully towards my brother as he was too small to fight back and too stupid to complain :D. Oh how I loved pushing him around!! But then, This also was the time that I learnt fire burns stuff :p the hard way!. This was also the time when my mom told me that I need not study, if I really did not want to (I was overjoyed because I DID NOT NEED TO STUDY!), but i never knew the significance of such a small gesture. This was also the time, when my dad took more time in my life. It was the time that we spoke like friends...

Moving to the BIG city (Hyderabad :D )
(well I was born in hyderabad , spent 3 years here, and then moved around couple of places for 5 years before i finally got back HOME :D )
Well moving back to the city made quite a lot of changes in my relationship with my family. My brother had his own friends, didnt have the time to spend together. Mom was still there for me, Still telling me not to do anything that I didnt like. And I was there listening to her, Still not knowing what it really meant. And then there was dad, who was becoming busier by the day, and still not saying a word. HE LOVES KIDS. But just not enough time.And I was taking a long time adjusting, and making a few friends.. moving on, making more friends..!!

My Teenage Life
First couple of years werent much event ful. Same as before, My mom being a good friend rather than a MOTHER. My brother being the jerk he was!??. My father beginning to get annoyed, the reason which I might reveal later on.. But then towards the final years in school, Things changed with my brother. We had this one magic moment after playing cricket and thats it, we had a done deal that we would look out for each other. Help each other out when the other one was in trouble with my parents, And it hasnt changed much since! Ofcourse we argue a lot, but then what kinda siblings wud we be, If we didnt...But we did end up being good friends.. (hez only 20 months younger than me, so he is more like a friend than a kid brother..)

Life after school
This is when I started hearing about responsibility. Which I totally Hated. I did not want to hear a single word of it. I am only 17, why am I being told about this now ? I began to rebel, yell, shout and oppose almost everything that came out of my parents mouth. Some of which have eventually harmed me a little, (only just though, I have a strong personality and I bounce back very easily :D ).I did not listen to mom, for she was like a broken record about what I must do and how I must manage my time. How I should get my priorities right. My dad telling me how lazy I am, How good the other guys are doing, and How better I would be if I listened to them. And well my brother... he joked around, but never really meant to cause me any harm... and thats how it has been till date.

So as you can see things change from when we are kids to, the day we die.

My Brother
The adorable kid that he was, who helped me with my school bag at 3, turned out to be a jerk at 10. A friend at 14, a critic at 16. and finally the one who knows me the most by now.

My Mother
The loveable woman she was at 1, became the responsible parent at 6, the one true friend at 10 in the city. an honest adviser at 14. but a wrecked up old record by 18

My Father
The best father he was at 2, Turned out to be just a good father by 18. My relationship with him has been the most complex within my family. Because the one thing that causes most of our arguements is the sole fact that we are too alike and hate the other person for being so. But I will have to tell you that he never laid a hand on me my whole life. And he has tried his best to be there for me. But he is a man of the fifties (born in 52) and i am the gen x kid (born in 85). Sometimes makes me wonder how do we manage to communicate with each other with such a huge generation gap!?

My Parents (as an unit)
Ok I have been talking about how my parents let me do what I wanted to do, right from childhood. I was left to play even when I had exams. This was because they believed in freedom. They believed that children should be given the choice of what they should be doing.I was never really forced to do anything, but merely suggested. Never really punished for not doing something, but the situation explained to me. They provided me with total freedom, which I only realised when I knew of my friends who didnt recieve any. Being the fool I am, I expected all in the world to do the same, But only when exposed to the world did I get to know that it was not true. And It is only then I realised how greatful I should be to get such treatment,for which some of my friends despise me. Maybe it is thier love for me that made them give up total control of my life to myself, to be happy at what I do rather than make them happy by doing something I dont want to do..which was rare for the people of thier generation, and even more rare among the people with as much education (or the lack of it ?) as my parents have! (both of them have only finished schooling, my mom has the distinction of acing her 10th class exams only on her 3rd try :p)
But then they started lecturing me about my responsibilities and stuff! why would such open minded people , start acting so classically parenty when this kinda stuff is involved ?!! Well I used to think about this a lot, But It is only NOW that I realise, that freedom and responsibility are not mutually exclusive, and that my parents were right lecturing me about responsibility, when , all my life , they were preparing me for it. Taking the freedom and not wanting the responsibility is like trying to take a bath and not getting wet ( a true siddhuism ???)So when I did not complain (but actually enjoyed) abt the freedom that i recieved, Why in the hell should I be upset about the long and boring responsibility speeches ? May be it is because I know what they are going to say anyways..Oh well! Finally I would round off this topic by giving this tribute to this old and tired couple that I call mom and dad :P
The single most important thing that you have taught me is to have belief in myself, and then have the courage to do the right thing. And hence you gave me the freedom of choice, Which has been the base of everything moral in me, and I hope to make you proud,of me,for giving me this, some day.

Love you both for that >:D<

p.s. : Every family has its problems,most of which are personal. The lack of mention of the problems in my life is not indicative that i did not have any. It only means that I am not ready to discuss a part of my life. It means that, even though i am comfortable talking about the good things that have happened to me, I still havent got across the barrier of speaking about everything, irrespective of my emotion.

21st B'day : Surprises that werent, And a few that were.

2006-02-09T08:47:00.000-08:00

hmm.. atlast, 21, can legally do what the hell I wanna do. except ofcourse drive, because i dont have a damned driving license. who cares right, as long as you have a 50er in the pocket :p. Oh well! we cant have everything in life, Can We!!. a friend of mine disagrees.. says if u want the right stuff, u can have everything you want... hmm.., lets argue about that a different day..

Coming back to my birthday, The title says it all. A few surprises were planned and only a couple seemed to have worked out. But I feel sorry for being all over the dudes who tried to plan the surprise. SORRY ra priya, alantivi jaruguthu untayi. oppuko , that i am more intellignet than you and dont over plan it man!!

The plan :-

Priya, the self proclaimed king of pranks and surprises, said that he wont be in the city on my birthday, edo pelliki potha ani build up ichadu. I was totally caught in his web of lines until he called me up the day before my birthday.what he wanted to do was suprise me by showing up at midnight... now i wonder, should I have been all over his ass and ruin such a beautiful plan!!? I wouldnt know now would I.

The Mistakes..

First mistake :- Over did the faking, called me up and said "orey nenu ooru potunna kada, anduke oka hug ichesi potha, eppudu khaali untavu ra!!" almost made me cry, but then realised that the fool aint that senti, so what the hell was wrong with him ??

Second mistake :- Lousy cover ups...
papam nikk gadu entha try chesina covering matram kudaraledu vadiki..

Third mistke :- always carry your cell phone with you, leave it with your brother and he will say that you just left with ur friend :D. damn man, i had fun finding the holes :p...

The Result :- You might expect a lame ass surprise party after all these fiascos, but it was anything but that. Had a great time, but ofcourse had my ass kicked by seven people and believe it or not, they did manage to lift me off the ground. for a whole 20 seconds!! took seven of them, but that doesnt matter does it!!. Some yelling and cake fighting on the road at midnight did not frighten any neighbours or for the matter of fact even the street dogs, strangely none of them were barking on this eventful night. May be they were scared of the bigger beast present :p. and finally had one blast of a midnite party :D.

Thats me cutting the cake :D

Thats The whole bunch who suprised me,
(from the left) sainik, sandeep, priya,me,nikk,bala and imti. adi in front

Had a great time guys, thank you all a lot, and priya bad time ra, sorry about messing your plans though :)
I guess i have looked worse!! dont believe me :O!!
just take a look at the pic below

Are ya scared now ??
And this is me!! and no i dont have spiky hair now, it was just something that occured naturally after i washed all the cake off my hair by putting my head in a bucket..

The secret :- Damn, I always thought that nikk was upto something but i didnt know that he planned such a surprise for me. the dude met one of my online friends , who he also knows, and managed to sneak in a gift from her, unnoticed !!!. cheppalante, it was the only thing that surprised me that midnite, made me a very happy dude.. err man (me being all grown up now :(( @ 21 :(( ). thanks ra, thanks to the both of you.. nikk and siri :). thanks siri for calling me goda on both the card and the gift u sent me :D. naku time vastunde gurthunchuko ;)

The Disappointments :-
I dont know if being not upset when people dont wish you on your birthday is called modesty.. but whatever it was, i was upset.
first because sushma said that she was so busy that she coudlnt come online just for a minute so as to wish me.
Gina could not come online to wish me, but she sent a card, :) i am sorry that i cudnt make it online at the same time gina, will make up for that sometime.. and then tannu, being online and also after speaking with me, didnt remember my birthday :((. aarthi and anu , never came on :(.And even ms.Ron seemed oblivious to the fact that i was even existed. or so i thought..

Also I couldnt see sashank or ashish today, which is always a bummer, honestly dunno why i cant find more time : i wish sashank leg wasnt broken and i wish ashu had more felxible hours :D. sure missed you guys a lot man !!

The surprise and embaressment :- I was asked by the sleeping beauty to go and visit her blog or else i wudnt be hearing much from her. which i did, and found out that there lay my birthday wishes humorously put in her own way. It was meant to be a surprise, A surprise so well hidden, that i never saw it till it was five minutes past midnight into the next day :(. sorry yaar, on any other day, i wud have been blog hopping all over. but dunno what happened that night :. anyways thanks for wishing me, and in the process making a few others know that twas my bday... so kind of u na :D.

The pleasantaries :- I got to speak with one of me best buds that day. Shello, she was damn funny yesterday and cute at the same time. I sure do miss you a lot sweetie, just hope that i will get more time to talk with ya :D. And i also got like 20 odd friends from orkut calling me up to wish me, which was a pleasant surprise!! i never thought i was so popular :P. seriously speaking guys and girls, love you all. especially those who stayed up late and called me up at midnight,adarsh, ramya , sandeep,abhishek and sashank :P.and the ones that did call me while i was in class :P, alex,radhi,archana,swetha and soumya :). and also the ones who were wise enough to wait until i got home aarti,suma, jags, harini,ragz, praasu :D. and the ones that smsed me, karu,shags,pilla and bhava :D. and not to mention all those wonderful friends from orkut who kept messaging me throught the day and also on yahoo :). if this sounds like an acceptance speech for any prize, then id gladly say that this day was like a prize to me :). cant believe so many ppl are there that do think of me this much :).

and sashank, you always are different, aarti was wondering if your logic is right , she asked me if id remember u wishing me, coz u were the last one , wishing me at 11 30 in the night!! i dont know if i wud remember u for wishing me last, but sure will remember you for being completely crazy :P. as i called you, "logically insane". you live upto the expectations man :D. keep up the good work :).

Over all it was a great day, had a good time hanging out with old friends at the party. laughed so much that i almost felt like my old self once again :). It could very well be one of the best, if not the best days of my short life so far... cant believe that i am 21 .. why god, why!! :((. thats what i wud ask him if only he/she existed :p. cant believe that my cell fone wouldnt stop ringing, and my friends had to switch it off to kick my ass :(. and if any of you have called me during that period, thanks for calling me, and sorry for not getting connected..

oh and i almost forgot to thank about my friends from college, couple of them staying awake until midnight to wish me, which obviously was foriegn to them becuse "happy birthday" was all they said before they fell asleep :). thanks sai anna:p, rajesh bhai,kamu,sunny,satish, gsr..:)

it was only great because i have friends like you all, thanks a lot each and every one of you.i possibly cant name everyone for the fear of missing out anyone. so i just hope that my simple thanks will be enough. THANKS FOR BEING MY FRIEND, and it wudnt be the same without you all.LOVE U ALL >:D< (hugs, yahoo style..)

Memories..

2006-01-14T02:42:00.000-08:00

Memories.. Ever wondered why is that we rememeber the simplest of things ? things that dont seem to fit in with other stuff. Memories that seem to have no meaningful importance. Yet these are the ones that make us smile. They remind of the days gone by. They remind us of the simpler times...

Anyways, this is a post that i am putting in as a part of series of posts that I am going to post. So as to remind me, in case I forget, of my past, when and if I want to write a book :p On the serious note, this is only because i want something solid to hold my memories, dont know how long will this brain keep track of them.

SO talking about memories, my first one, THE very first memory I have is of the day my brother was born. It would have seemed odd , a couple of years ago, that my first memory was the day of his conception.. But now, after 19 years of living with him, through the fights, through the mutual agreements,and looking out for each others back and the level of understanding we two have, it only seems fair.. :).

Well let me recollect what i can remember about that day..
-->Mom being taken away , as she needed to be operated.. but I dont remember how I felt.
-->Dad taking me out for shopping, to keep me busy or to keep his mind off the operation, I dont know.
-->Me, a 20 month old, making my dad roam 3 shops before i could get my very own shoes, the first in my life. I dont remember what color they were.
-->Playing with a toy train in my uncles house, which was near by. Dont remember how we got there.
-->Finally in the hospital, the doctors didnt let me inside to see mom. But , I remember my aunt sneaking me in to take a peek at my mother. But I dont remember seeing my brother...

strange that I do remember the day that he was born, but I dont remember seeing him on that day..

Bye Bye 2005

2005-12-31T09:00:00.000-08:00

Finally i get my lazy ass to write something about the year that is gonna fade away in just an hour or so. Before you judge me , I did have plans today just could not go coz i was sick :p . oh well it is not like i have big plans for new years anytime. moving on to the actual point..

2005 :An old friend who has been with me for what seemed to be ages, now going down to rest. Never to return , never to bring back the days that i cherish so much. But by saying good bye , I hope i can immortalize the memories that you have had for me. You have held beautiful memories for me. Been there with me through my dreams , disasters , new habits, new friends , older ones becoming more than friends , crushes and then getting over them :) .

Time Capsule , 2005.

First my crushes :

Girl + Cute smile + Sense of humour = Me likes
Biggest Crush --> Had the biggest crush of my life , this year. And didnt regret one moment of that. She was so much like me and yet there were so many arguements and misunderstandings (if that is a word :O ). But the thing to be remembered is the way we came through all the bitter times and how strange it is that i only remember the good times. Finally ending up being great friends with her. But towards the end of the year, I havent had that much time to spend with her, Hence my resolution for the new year, i guess , should be to spend more time with good friends.

Girl + Cute smile + Sense of humour = De ja vu.
Hmm.., a close second --> Just a little while after i thought i was over the first , I ended up getting to know this other girl. Havent known any girl like her , well havent known anyone like ther other one too ;) . The way she makes me feel when me talking to her is.. hmm.. in one word accelerating :D. No one else made me feel that way all my life. Not even the girl that is mentioned above. But I are her a close second only because of the fact that i dont miss her as much when she is not around. And currently working on how to get over her :p .

And whats common between these two ? A good friend (well a very very good friend who reads me like an open book :p) suggests that these are two very two intelligent girls, people who fascinate me. Not by thier looks (ofcourse both of them are rather cute :P ) but with thier brains. This is something that got me thinking and also believe is true too. Guess i am a sucker for girls with brains , a great sense of humour , And very very independent.

And now my friends...

Alcohol + good friend = No secrets.
--> Believe me , you dont wanna be near a friend when you are drunk. you end up telling them your deepest darkest secrets. Ofcourse, If you are too drunk it wont matter who you are with, you open up :p . But it wont matter if it is some guy you dont know, it only matter if it is a god friend because you begin thinking if he lost any respect for the friendship you have.

Old Friends + Right times = Good friends
--> There are a few friends that I tried to get away from. Cut them out from my life as much as possible. But life , as it is, throws up surprises. People , well friends, stand up for you, they are there for you when you least expect them to be. I am greatful for that. My resolution in this aspect : DONT BE HASTY.

Online + lots of time = loads of friends
Orkut --> hmm.. what a find it was. Has finally brought me in contact with people who are into the same stuff as i am. Finally showed me a place to find great minds like me ;). and yeah , also meet the funniest, outrageous , laid back people that inhabit this world. Popularily know as HYDERABADIS. And i guess it is time for me to be thanking orkut for showing me so many good friends and also a couple of cute girls in between ;) .

Close Friends
And about the friends that i always cherished , I didnt say anything till now. May be it is only because of the fact that they stuck with me as they have always been. They never backed off from anything. Pretty much did what they always do best, be there for me when i need them and at the same time give me enough space to be myself. Thanks for understanding me and being there for me :).

TIME FOR DREAMS AND DISASTERS

--> The only thing that has been going bad for me this year, should be things in my personal life at home. Which I am beginning to realise are affecting me more than I want to. If there ever was a way to get out of all that, I wud be glad to do that. But then again, It is family and you cant run away. Have to be here for them :. PATIENCE being the key word, I should keep going.

-->One thing I hate discussing most, My studies. Has been a mixed performance. But I realised that I am more capable of what I actually ended up with. CONCENTRATION , which i lacked , should be what will get me what i want.

DREAMS -- > Makes me think if I have any. I keep dreaming about a lot of stuff. But how much of it is relevant and what percent of that is actually concievable is a matter to talk abt some other day. Presently here are the things that are left undone and would like them to be done in the near future by working slowly towards them.

-- Find a girl of my dreams ( :(( i have no shame , and am asking for any possible help :P )
-- To leave a tip for Bill Gates ( WHY NOT :D)
-- To do what i want , rahter than being told what to do. (hmm.. rather be the way i am now :P)
-- Write a book (which i would give for free to all those whoz gonna comment here :D).

It tooke me over an hour to recollect the memories of 2005, and as i finish this i realise that the time is almost 12 am , jan 1 , 2006. Oh well the clock just struck 12 and it is 2006. Happy New Year everyone. And good bye old friend. I am sure that i am going to miss you..

Something I Realised Today

2005-12-06T13:26:00.000-08:00

I have always been curious. asking too many questions as a kid. cute sometimes, irritating otherwise.I guess that is the most defining trait of what makes me as of today.Friends that i have today have learnt to live with it, i appreciate that. Though each of them might have opted for a different technique to handle my questionnaires....
School - it was one phase in my life where i was the last person to know anything.Paid too much importance to all the wrong kind of shit and hence ended up being the loser who knew nothing. Hence i justified myself saying "none of them are my real friends".
And later on i really did make good friends, hell GREAT friends. who never hesitated to share anything with me. Be it the sorrow or the happiness or the gossip. And when anyone of my friends did not share something with me i felt really pissed off and sad. I never realised why until today.

Today while talking to a good friend (online sister # 2), who was trying to cheer me up abt something, i realised what is that was actually making me sad. The sole reason behind many times i became depressive. I realised i paid too much value about good friends sharing everything with me. My curiousity crossed over emotional barriers from enthusiasm to the root of my definition of a good friend. I realised that i have been defining my friendship with anyone based on how well they open up to me. And when they tend to hold back from me, as it happened recently with a friend, i begin doubting my , so higly cherished, friendship. Which sometimes is the only thing that drives me.Anyways what i realised was that i dont give room for privacy to my friends.Room for themselves, stuff that they alone should know and not by others under certain circumstances.

As soon as i realised that, i was not sad anymore.I was happy, because i had done it again, looked deep into myself and found out the reason.Sense of accomplishment overcame the sense of apparent loss. (apparent only after i realised..).So what i decided at the end of it all was to value my friends privacy and give them thier own room and space , because at the end of it all, who else are they going to talk to other than me...